The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

Where do I start? I guess at the somewhat beginning, which would be from when I got married, and what lead to the end of the marriage two and half years later.

In a lot of ways, I was always ahead of my time and in other ways I was a late bloomer. Marriage was the latter for me. I didn't get married until I was 34 years old, which even for today I would consider later than most.

Now, let me just say here, I would've saved myself and others a lot of misery if we had never gotten married in the first place, because, looking back, we really shouldn't have. I think I will save that story for later though. For now, let's just focus on what made me decide to become a single mother by choice.

Getting such a late start at marriage meant we had to start trying to have kids pretty much right away. I stopped taking my birth control pill about two months before the wedding and we hit the ground running right away.

I never thought we would have a problem getting pregnant, I even thought we might have a honeymoon baby. Wishful thinking, right? But being the science nerd, research-aholic, always prepared, detail-oriented person that I am, I starting researching trying to conceive for older women right away and knew that we were at a slight disadvantage due to my age and didn't have much time to waste.

When we weren't pregnant within the first three months, I knew it was time to start testing. We started with the basics, progesterone level and basic blood tests for me, evaluating and tracking my cycle, which was normal, and I started tracking my ovulation, which wasn't too tricky, and everything seemed to be normal with me. To be honest, I was a little worried about my side of the picture because on top of some autoimmune issues (asthma, eczema, allergies, etc.), I also had a history of not having my period for about nine months in high school, but that was a long time ago and overall I consider myself in very good health.

My husband, on the other hand was a different story. Besides having a completely opposite upbringing then I did, he was also not in the best health, even at a young 32 years old. He was a smoker that had no desire to quit (despite what he said), had been having gastrointestinal issues that turned out to be ulcerative colitis, had various injuries over the years that didn't heal right and that he was constantly battling with, you name it, he had it, and I'm still not convinced that he was even telling the truth about half of it.

Regardless if any of his ailments were true or not, I was not the least bit surprised when his test came back with a not so good result. He had low sperm count, low motility (how fast they move) and decent morphology (the shape). To say he was devastated is an understatement.

I immediately got to work on finding the right supplements, making all the needed doctor's appointments to try to fix his various ailments, making all the necessary dietary changes for him, and encouraging him to quit smoking. To me, this was an easily fixable situation, but to him it was practically the end of the world and he went into a deep depression.

As we worked through all of this, we also had to deal with some things that would put stress on any new marriage. We had to live out of boxes while the house that my parents bought for us to live in was being demoed and remodeled, starting out in a tiny studio behind the garage and then moving into the house about a year later. We really never even got to fully unpack. In April 2017, as he was skateboarding home from work, he (supposedly) was hit by a car, a hit-and-run, as he was crossing the street, breaking his collarbone, which caused him to not be able to work. He went on disability, severely hurting our budget, and after six weeks, ended up needing surgery after it didn’t heal correctly. Right after that his dad and stepmom moved from Florida with their two dogs and cat into the studio. His mother was having health issues. I lost hours at my job unexpectedly, lost our health insurance, and we had to go on an even tighter budget than we were on previously.

We fought about money and life goals constantly. The biggest problem (aside from the fact that he was lying to me the entire time, but again, saving that for later), was that he simply had no goals. Like zero life goals. How did I end up with someone that had absolutely no goals??!

Literally, the complete opposite of myself. So, I was left to do all the work for both of us.

Of course, I'm glad that I took the time to learn all about infertility in this time, because it has its benefits now, but I also wish that I had saved myself three years of unhappiness.

Fast forward to May 2018, Cinco de Mayo weekend to be exact, about two years after we first started trying. We had recently re-tested his sperm and found out that it was finally up to normal numbers and motility. I had a nutrition conference in Pomona that weekend that I was also going to be ovulating, so I made him come with me. They say that a lot of couples take a baby-cation to get away and relax and that can help with reducing stress and conceiving, so I had my fingers crossed.

Well, it worked!! I saw those two pink lines about 12 days later, and I was pregnant!!

We were ecstatic. We started planning and buying things right away. We didn't go crazy but we found a nice stroller on sale as Babies-R-Us was going out of business, we found some baby room stuff at Good Will, and we started a white board with baby names for boys and girls, both agreeing on not finding out the sex ahead of time. We told our family and closest friends and even some co-workers. He told just about everyone he knew.

And then everything fell apart. We had our first appointment at about 7 weeks, which was earlier than they usually do an ultrasound, but we managed to get in. They could see the fetal pole, but they couldn't find a heartbeat. It wasn't bad news quite yet, it could've just been too early, so we had to wait about a week to get another ultrasound. When the ultrasound tech didn't say anything to us, I knew it was not good news but I didn't break down until the doctor actually said it. It looked like the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and was not viable. I had a missed miscarriage.

Even typing the words now, I still get emotional. Pro tip: don't write about life-altering devastating memories while stuck in the middle seat on a five-hour flight. Lesson learned.

Since my body had not caught up and registered the miscarriage yet, we had a few options of how to proceed. I could have a D&C, which stands for dilation & curettage, the procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus. I could take the pills to induce miscarriage and it could be done on my time within one to two days; these are the same pills they give you for an abortion. Lastly, I could wait for my body to do it naturally, but that could take an unknown amount of time and you run the risk of incomplete expulsion, in which case you have to have a D&C anyway.

Being the hippy that I am I decided to let my body do what it needed to do, which didn't happen until two weeks later and I spent my Fourth of July of 2018 sitting on the couch in the garage, in pain, not the worst pain I've ever felt but also not the way I want to remember that holiday for the rest of my life.

And that was pretty much the catalyst for the end of my marriage. My husband went into another deep depression, stopped sleeping in our bed, pretty much stopped sleeping at night all together, and was not there for me when I needed him the most. The miscarriage hit him harder than it did me, not to say I wasn't sad and devastated, I was. But I am just not one to wallow in my sorrows. I take the time I need to be sad and then I move on and pick myself up by my bootstraps and continue to pursue my goals in whatever way I need to.

Again, he was the opposite and this time it was the excuse he needed to go off the deep end. He started drinking again, about a month before what would've been his six-year sober birthday. He delved deeper into the drugs that I had somewhat of an idea that he was already doing but had no idea how bad it really was. And he just started making terrible life decisions. Like staying up all night then driving to Vegas at the crack of dawn, with no driver's license, in his friend’s car, falling asleep at the wheel, rolling the car and almost killing them both in the middle of the desert. This is just one example of many of what I was put through. It was one thing after another, he was constantly getting in trouble somehow and I was always the voice of reason, the bailer-outer and the payer of all the fines.

Needless to say, I didn't stick around for much longer. When it got to the point where it was an almost daily occurrence, I found a lawyer and filed for divorce on November 1st, 2018.

He moved out within the week, but not without drama. Including, a call to the cops, a stay in jail for a night (for him of course), a restraining order, and me having to stay at my parent's house and buy two cartridges of mace, one for my purse and a smaller key-chain one, both of which I still carry with me to this day.

All things considered, it was a quick and easy divorce because we had little to no assets and he didn't have the energy or money to fight anything he thought he may be entitled to. We split everything amicably and the case went to default. Our divorce was finalized on July 31st, 2019, only about 7 months after filing.

In that time, I got a new job, moved back to my happy place in the mountains in April 2019 and proceeded to move on with my life. It really didn't take long to start thinking about starting a family on my own. Naturally, I got custody of our dog Ruby that we had adopted in October, and we were thriving together, despite the fact that I had never had a dog of my own and was not prepared to be a single dog mom, but I made it work.

I've always wanted to be a mother and always pictured myself as a mother, and it's what I had been working towards for the last three years, so why not? Due to my age, 37 by that time, it was now or never. I quickly found the community of single mothers by choice and knew right away that it was the right thing for me, a fiercely independent female that has no time or patience for man-children that can't get their shit together.

So that brings us to present day. I've met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and have a plan to move forward with IVF to freeze embryos first, for use later down the road if/when I decide to have more than one child, and then when I'm ready we will start trying to get pregnant with IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination). Right now, the plan is to do my egg collection and IVF in April and then start IUIs soon after.

True to life's nature, there have already been some roadblocks, but I will leave that for the next update. I know that this can be confusing and a lot of new information for those that are unfamiliar with this world. Feel free to ask questions about this process and I will do my best to address them in subsequent blog posts. This is why I feel compelled to write this blog, not only do I want to be 100% honest about what it’s like to take this journey, I also want more people to be as informed as possible about infertility and the struggles that women and couples go through.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading, I'm grateful you are here, and I can't wait to share my whole journey with you.