Life Update and Change of Mind
Well, I know I said the last blog post on this site would be the last, but I changed my mind! Isn’t it great that I can do that?! Confusing maybe, but this blog is mine and I can do whatever I want with it, so it stays.
I recently have been putting a lot of thought into the combination of my business and personal life, and at the end of the day, while I do share a lot of my personal life on my business social media accounts, my goal for this blog is to be more of a personal diary, and that just doesn’t fit on a professional website. Not to mention the work (that I don’t want to do, nor do I want to pay someone to do) to update my business website appropriately.
So, along with that little amendment I also thought it was time to update everyone on where I currently am in my fertility journey.
In November I wrote about how I had many options in front of me but my ultimate goal or wish was to do another round of egg retrieval and IVF, if you forgot, you can read it here, but I’ll give a quick update.
As it stands right now, I have two normal and three abnormal embryos in storage at two different clinics. I also have 5 vials of sperm, all from the same donor, at four different locations. So, I have a lot of different options! Almost too many, maybe that’s one reason why it’s so hard for me to make a damn decision right now.
Quick recap of options, in order of increasing cost:
IUI (intrauterine insemination) in California: $2-3k, least invasive, lowest cost of meds and testing, 1-2 hours of travel, low probability of success, high chance of failure and/or miscarriage, could theoretically do up to four rounds with the sperm I already have.
Transfer of 1 normal embryo in California: $3-4k, higher cost of meds, 1-2 hours of travel for testing, ~60% chance of success.
Transfer of embryos (4 total, would only transfer one at a time) at CNY in New York: first one free + cost of meds, travel, and local testing, subsequent transfers ~$4k + cost of travel, meds and local testing; normal embryo ~60% chance of success, abnormal embryos chance of success ~5-20% with high chance of miscarriage.
Egg retrieval and IVF: to bank more embryos, ~$10k total with cost of egg retrieval, IVF, meds and travel.
Personally, I think I get the most bang for my buck with another round of IVF to bank more embryos but the financial factor is really kicking my ass. The way I see it, I only have 1-2 more years to bank embryos but I have 1-5, maybe more years to get pregnant. I’m not scared of getting and/or staying pregnant. I am terrified of my eggs deteriorating as we speak.
The struggle is real. As of right now I’m only working part-time so my money situation is not the best. I was hoping for a good tax refund but I had to pay instead. That wiped out my savings that I was hoping would completely cover the cost of egg retrieval/IVF. So I’m back to square one, plus the stress of more debt than I would like, and not making the money I need to be.
I’m also just not ready to try to get pregnant yet. The fun of dating (and let me tell you, it’s been really fun lately), the fun of being single with no kids, the freedom to do what I want, when I want, I’ve been having a blast lately.
I was able to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans for my 40th birthday, a bucket list item. I just got back from Stagecoach, and getting to experience RV camping with friends was so much fun. Being able to do things like that makes me fearful of getting pregnant and losing a bit of that freedom. I do want to be the mom that travels with her babies, but that takes a lot of work, planning, and money as well.
Speaking of money, again, with the economy the way it is, I can’t afford to get pregnant right now. I know, I know, if I can’t do it right now, I’ll never be able to do it, blah blah blah, but for real you guys this economy is insane and I need to be working full-time.
I’m in a constant struggle between YOLO and “holy shit I need to get back on my strict budget if I have any hope of saving up for IVF.” My days of fun are dwindling down quickly as I realize I need to get back on the budget plan and baby steps.
Plus, that fear I mentioned in earlier blogs, about not having enough embryos to create the family I want, the debilitating fear that consumes me at times, is still there, and won’t go away, as much as I try to work through it.
It’s interesting to note however, that my stress level is probably the lowest it’s been in a long time. I fucking hate the cliché “living my best life” but to be real, I kind of am in a way, and I think it shows in my labs. On a daily basis my stress level is relatively low, especially compared to the past two years of my life. I feel settled in my living situation, and I’m not moving again for a very long time. I feel content in my relationships, including friends, family and dating. My daily/weekly/monthly life is fulfilling and pretty fun. Besides the money woes, I really have nothing to complain about.
In hopes of another egg retrieval happening, I got my labs done recently. While my AMH went down (bummer but probably just due to age), all of my other labs improved. FSH was normal, whereas in the past it was slightly high and I had to take wheatgrass to get it down. My TSH was also normal by fertility standards. I do take a thyroid support supplement, but in the past I have had to try to manage my sleep and stress to try to get it down naturally. Vitamin D and all my other labs were normal, most even at an optimal level. Hopefully, my diet, supplement plan, and relatively low-stress lifestyle have worked to improve my egg quality, fingers crossed anyways!
It’s just interesting to me how when I wasn’t trying or focusing on my fertility, i.e. my stress was at the lowest, my labs are at their best. Which of course makes me want to try another retrieval ASAP! And round and round we go.
So, where do I go from here?
Honestly, I still have no idea. For the time being, I’m sitting with the options and continuing to weigh them over. I will continue to try to get clients in the door for my private practice, doing my best to use the two days a week I have to work on making that happen. That means putting in the work and trying to not get distracted by social media and boys. I’m not kidding, the boy-crazy FOMO-ist in me is easily distracted. Working on it, but I am who I am.
I’ll also continue looking for other job opportunities, as depressing as the lack of opportunities is right now. Just crossing my fingers that something comes up.
As always, continuing to try to put good karma out into the world and knowing that it will work out, because it always does. Being grateful for what I have, grateful for the amazing people in my life, and grateful for the opportunities I currently have, and those yet to come.
** Edited to add: I wrote this in early-mid May, and this last Wednesday, May 25th, I accepted a job offer and have a new consulting job, one day a week in Camarillo, CA. Pretty much exactly what I needed, so now I can take a bit of the load off my shoulders and breathe a little easier. Cheers to good karma, paying off debt and starting to save for the next round of IVF!
The Fork In The Road
Does anyone else just shut down and ignore everything but the basics of surviving when faced with a huge decision? Just me? That’s basically what I’ve been doing for the past 7 months. Okay, I was doing a little more than just the basics, but still, I was definitely trying to ignore the huge decision I’m faced with. Or rather, I decided to put it on the back burner and hope that time would make the decision for me. Well, it hasn’t. And honestly, I’m still not ready to decide.
I’m currently really enjoying being childless and able to do what I want, when I want. I’m enjoying being single, being able to go on vacation by myself, and dating and playing the field. At the same time though, I also have that nagging feeling that time is running out, and I need to do something sooner rather than later.
Please no comments on how “young” I am. I’m really not. Young at heart doesn’t count in the fertility world, as much as I wish it did. I may physically feel like I’m 28 but in reality I’m pushing 40 fast. My aging eggs don’t care how old I feel.
I decided after the results of my last round (which I’ll get to, don’t worry), that I needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do next. More than that I also needed to catch up financially, and that would take just about the time I needed, so it was a win-win.
So, let’s go back to where we left off. I know I’ve kept my readers and followers in the dark and I hate that. Just know that it’s what I had to do for me. Those closest to me and those that have asked already know, because I’m really an open book, but I promised to share publicly all of this journey I’m on and I haven’t done that for the last seven months.
On May 20th I posted that we collected 14 eggs, 13 of which were mature and that 10 fertilized. This was great news, better than my first egg retrieval and IVF, so I had high hopes that I would get more embryos this time around. And because I didn’t say anything after that, you’re probably thinking that things must’ve gone really bad and I was too devastated to share what happened after that. But no, that’s not what happened.
What happened? I got the same exact results as the first round. Literally, the same exact results. Four embryos made it to day 5 and after genetic testing, one was PGT-A “normal.”
I honestly didn’t really know how to react and I think that’s why I never posted about it. Also, life and work, mostly work, got a little crazy in the meantime and I just didn’t have time to even think of anything else. I took a break from my private practice and haven’t done any work in that space for months now. Just to give you an idea of how overwhelming life was for the last three months. I’m just now getting around to even thinking about anything else besides my paying full-time (as of October back to part-time) job.
Was I happy with these results? Sure, I mean, it definitely doesn’t suck. It’s right around the average for my age group. I now have two normal embryos to work with, as well as some abnormals. Was I disappointed? Also yes. Why didn’t it go better? I did everything I was supposed to. It looked like it was going to go so much better. I’m way too much of a perfectionist control freak that tends to get what I want, so I’m sure this is Mother Nature’s way of reminding me that's not how life works. Thanks mama.
I know I should be grateful for what I’ve got. And I am. I count my blessings everyday. Literally, in my gratitude journal every (well almost every) morning. I know that a lot of women have it much worse. Trust me, I know how annoying I must sound and I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress.
I’m also filled with this fear that it’s not enough. I have this heavy pulsating fear and anxiety that is leading all my thoughts and decisions, that it’s still not enough to make me a mother. Maybe because I’ve seen so many women go through the agony of one failed transfer after another, maybe because I know the statistics, or maybe it’s just irrational. Regardless of the reason, it’s there and I can’t shake it.
So now, I’ve got options. The way I see it, I’ve got multiple ways this could go next. Of course, each has their pros and cons.
I turn 40 in February, my personal deadline for my next step is March.
Ideally, I would love to do one last round of egg retrieval and IVF to bank some more embryos, but there is the financial factor there.
I have one vial of sperm in Laguna Niguel stored at my first clinic. I cannot afford IVF there so that has to be used for an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Drawback is no genetic testing, so the chances of failure to implant and/or miscarriage is high. IUI at my age has a success rate as low as 5%, maybe 10-15% at the most given my health. Pro is the lower cost of only a couple thousand a pop.
I have one vial of sperm paid for and in storage at the cryobank. As well as two vials at a clinic in Utah that I recently purchased from someone else, from my same donor. I found out that he has no more vials available at the cryobank so I swiped them up before they were to be destroyed. Those can be sent anywhere I want so I need to decide between here in California where travel is more convenient but cost is higher or New York where cost is lower but travel is the big factor.
In a perfect world, I would do another round of egg retrieval and IVF in January or March, then start trying to get pregnant via transfer of one or two abnormal embryos to start with, just to see if they have a chance to self correct, or via IUI, both of which have high risk of failure to implant and/or miscarriage, which can be emotionally taxing and time-consuming to recover from.
If those are not successful then I could transfer my normal embryos. I’m very much inclined to save this as my last option given my ginormous fear that I won’t have any embryos left for a second and/or third child. Selfish? Maybe. But I’m okay with that and not ready to give up on the dream just yet. Again, I’m working on it.
Side note, I unfortunately found out that I signed papers at my first clinic to have my abnormal embryos destroyed. Either I didn’t understand what I was signing or I didn’t know enough about abnormal embryos at the time, the latter of which I think was the case, as I’ve since learned a lot that I wish I had known then. That means my total count of embryos from both rounds is two normal and three abnormal, not the six abnormal that I thought I would have to work with.
Again, one reason to do another retrieval. Just have to figure out the financials.
Lastly, on that note, I did make one decision regarding my business as The SMC Dietitian and my personal blogging journey Embracing Choice Motherhood. Back in August, right before my work-life balance went to shit ironically, I decided that my bandwidth is just not big enough to handle the two as separate entities anymore. My brain shuts down when I think about all the things that need to be done for both, on top of my paying job and personal life. Hence, the break from it all.
I am going to combine the two and update on my journey under The SMC Dietitian and my personal social media handles only. I have made my personal Instagram public for this reason.
My private practice business (The SMC Dietitian), is my passion that I would love to be full time at some point, and it needs to be the focus in order to reach my goals of motherhood and life. I know that I risk losing a lot of followers and fellow SMC within the IG and FB community, and I understand why, but it’s what I need to do for me and my mental health.
This will be the last blog post on this website and I will no longer post updates on my Instagram and Facebook under Embracing Choice Motherhood (ECM) from here on out. I will keep my ECM handles and website open for a while in order to redirect to the updated channels.
Feel free to follow along with me at either my personal handle, which I’ll link on the ECM Instagram, or over at The SMC Dietitian. This blogging and social media experience has been exactly what I wanted it to be, cathartic, therapeutic, educating, helping to create community, all the things, but also hard work that can be exhausting! And perfect practice for what I want for my business ventures.
I want to send out all my love for those that have continued to follow along and send your support, it means more to me than I can express. If you’ve made it this far, all my thanks for tagging along on my journey to motherhood so far. Signing out of Embracing Choice Motherhood online, but not in my heart. To be continued over at The SMC Dietitian...
My Next Round of IVF!
I happen to be writing this much overdue blog post on the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week 2021. I feel blessed to be able to continue to tell my story to help change the conversation of infertility.
In the past, I have said that I don’t suffer from infertility, but I have come to understand and recognize that I actually do. Not only did I go through it with my ex, I also go through it now as a single woman. I have what is referred to as “social” infertility, because I lack a partner to have a child with. While some may think this isn’t as big of a deal as couples that struggle to get pregnant, it is a big deal to the thousands of single mothers by choice, like myself.
Over the last year I have waited to do my next round of IVF and have had setbacks and delays for various reasons. I am happy to say however that I am now getting ready to do another round in which I will be traveling to New York sometime in the next three to four weeks!
Let’s get caught up from where I left you first though. My last blog went over the first year of Embracing Choice Motherhood from when I started my separate Instagram account in January 2020 up to my consultation with CNY Fertility on February 3rd, hoping for IVF in March.
Well...obviously that didn’t happen, so let’s go over what HAS happened since then.
I had my consultation with CNY and everything went fine, they sent me all the paperwork and said I could start whenever I was ready, to order my meds and call on the first day of my cycle. In my head I was ready go in March but I also knew I wanted to re-do some labs just to make sure my body was ready. On February 8th I had my blood drawn and on the 11th I got the disappointing results I was not expecting.
My Vitamin D was normal at 34ng/mL but on the lower end of normal, when optimal for fertility is 50-80ng/mL, my AMH went down to the lowest it’s ever been (AMH is linked to Vitamin D level so that made sense), and my FSH was still high at 11.9 (ideal is <10). Right away I decided to delay until I could improve these numbers. I upped my Vitamin D supplementation, and began taking wheatgrass for the FSH, with a plan to re-test in a month.
The next weekend, I went down to spend the weekend at my parent’s house, and to get my Sonohysterogram (SHG), which is an imaging study of the uterus. Even though I had already decided to postpone the IVF, I decided to keep the appointment anyway because I already had it scheduled and I had to have it done eventually. I also wanted to check out the women’s center where I was having it done, in hopes of them providing my IVF monitoring when the time came. The procedure went well, slightly painful but that was to be expected, and the doctor even said I would handle childbirth just fine, which I took as a compliment of course.
That same weekend, as I was chilling on the couch, hanging out with my parents, I happened to look online for job postings. I had stopped my search for a new job at least a month or two prior out of despair because there were simply no worthwhile jobs to even apply for. I gave up finding something new and had even started planning on staying where I was and moving closer to work, even though I was still far from family, I didn’t want to delay trying to get pregnant any longer. And I just want to say, that it wasn’t about the job. I love my facility, and if I could take it and move it 4 hours south I would.
Anyway, I spotted a job that seriously sounded too good to be true and debated on even applying because I didn’t believe it was real, something had to be up. But I applied anyway and crossed my fingers it was in fact real. One drawback was that it was only three days a week, but if I got it, at least I would be able to move back home.
The next day I got a text from a dietitian that I had covered some accounts for a couple of years ago, right before I moved to Mammoth. She wanted to know if I had moved back to the area. Long story short, it turns out that it was her ad and job that I had applied for and she basically said if I wanted it the job was mine. Just like that, in a matter of two days I had a new job and a new plan.
At this point, I hadn’t seen my guy for a couple weeks since he last came to visit me in Mammoth, and I hadn’t heard from him much either. I just figured he was busy and didn’t think much of it given our casual non-relationship situation, but I was excited to tell him my news that I would be moving closer.
On Monday, February 15th I gave my facility my months notice, and on the 17th (my birthday) I put it in my stories that I had decided to take a new job and would be moving back home. I got many messages of congratulations and happy birthdays, including an excited one from my guy, and he later texted me Happy Birthday, but also apologized for being distant, blaming drama with the ex as usual. All in all though, it was a great birthday.
It was a short work week because my girls were coming up to celebrate my birthday Thursday night so I then moved my focus there, getting to spend time with my girls always makes me happy. We had a great first night, playing drinking games, crying and saying how much we loved each other, you know girly stuff.
The next morning...I can’t even put into words the ridiculous, disrespectful turn of events that happened. Let’s just say I was suddenly and unexpectedly “let go” of the casual non-relationship. Is it a break up if you were never even a couple?? I don’t think it is. But the worst thing was how it was done. Not a phone call, not a text. The way I found out I no longer had a friend with benefits was with an Instagram post of him and his new girlfriend. It was perfectly clear this was not a new thing, even though he had just been calling me baby two days prior. Needless to say I was pretty crushed, but thankfully I had my girls to get me through the weekend. They were and always will be my saving grace. Shout out to my Moo Cows!
I don’t want to dwell on this particular guy because the truth is that while it did suck to be treated that way, I didn’t love him. I even found myself thinking that if it did develop into something more, that I would be settling. A physical connection does not always equal a love connection. And that’s all he was to me, the physical connection. Not to mention, that a grown ass man that doesn’t have the balls to end it with a fuck buddy, with a simple phone call or even text, well I don’t need anyone like that in my life. Good riddens. I told him to suck a dick and haven’t heard from him since.
Onto bigger and better, and time to focus on becoming a mama anyways.
Thankfully, I retook my labs again in the beginning of March and my plan worked. My Vitamin D was now at 52ng/mL (in the optimal range), my AMH was up to 3.10 (the highest it’s ever been), and my FSH was 10.2 (closer to the optimal range and the lowest it’s ever been). Time to start preparing for IVF, but I also had to plan my move back home.
I started packing up my stuff and had to size down even more than I already had due to my temporary living situation. My last day at work was the 13th of March and I started my new job on Monday, March 15th. My house that has been waiting for me for the last two years, won’t be available until May 1st, so until then I’m living on my parent’s ranch in my grandparent’s RV.
It’s so nice to be back home but it will be even nicer when I am in my own home and settled. With my cycles starting right around the first week of the month, I had to decide just when I wanted to do my IVF. April was just too hectic with starting the new job, staying on with my old job doing remote work two days a week, and still seeing clients for my private practice. I needed things to settle at least a little bit.
So, in two-ish weeks I will be moving into my house and also starting my meds for the next round of IVF. It will be somewhat stressful to both things at the same time, but I think it’s a good stress and I just don’t want to delay any longer. I am more than ready to get this motherhood show on the road!
One Year of Embracing Choice Motherhood
January 10th marked the one-year anniversary of starting my Instagram account solely for my fertility journey to become a single mother by choice. While I didn’t actually post my first blog until February, I figured with the new year, this was a good time to reflect on the past year, how far I’ve come in my journey so far and what lies ahead.
By January of 2020 I had decided that I would go public with my decision and be 100% open and honest about my journey. I didn’t know of any other women doing this in my personal life and I figured if people have questions, I want to be the one to answer them. One of my missions with this blog is to de-stigmatize the thought and belief that children need two parents to thrive. If we want to de-stigmatize something like non-traditional families, we need to be talking, learning and unlearning about it. I had to decide if I wanted my whole life to be out there on the table and open for discussion, which is so freaking scary and not easy, but I decided to go for it. And anyone that didn’t support me could get to steppin’.
So, I started this website, Instagram and Facebook accounts in January, and in February I wrote my first blog post. I think this one is by far still my favorite post because I had to be the most vulnerable I’ve ever been, spilling most of the dirty details of my failed marriage and everything that led to the decision to become a single mother by choice. It was so cathartic and therapeutic for me. I still think there’s probably even more to share but I’ll save that for another time.
March of 2020 had me busy with lab testing, freaking out about my thyroid numbers, and paying a buttload of money out of pocket for all of these tests. I was also doing my best to eat right and take all the right supplements, quit drinking, as well as decrease my environmental toxins in preparation for my first round of IVF, tentatively scheduled for April. Little did I know how the world would change in a matter of a few weeks. With CoVID came the questioning and uncertainty if I would even be able to do my IVF. Would the clinic stay open? Will the virus make its way to me and my residents that I am ethically obligated to protect?
Luckily, my clinic did stay open and the virus stayed away for the time being so I began birth control on March 19th (so that my cycle could match up with the clinic’s schedule), had my donor picking party with my girls via Zoom on April 9th, and had my first baseline ultrasound on April 18th. I then started my stimulating medications (stims) the next day on the 19th, and taped and shared every night of injections for the next 10 days. I took my trigger shot on the evening of April 28th, drove the five hours to my parent’s house the next day, and went to the clinic for my egg retrieval, accompanied by my mom, in the early morning of April 30th. I got a total of 13 eggs, which was a loss than I was hoping for given my antral follicle count of 19 (the most eggs you can hypothetically get) and my good AMH (measure of ovarian reserve) for my age.
After the clinic performed ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) with my chosen donor sperm, I had to wait five days, with updates from the clinic every 1-2 days, to find out how many of my eggs made it to the blastocyst stage. By day 5 (Cinco de Mayo) I learned that all six of the embryos that fertilized continued to grow to day 5 but not all of them grew enough to be biopsied for genetic abnormalities. Two days later I had a final embryo count of four and they were sent off for pre-implantation genetic testing for aneuploidies (PGT-A), which you can read more about here.
Eight days later on May 15th, I was bummed to learn that only one embryo came back as “normal,” and I had a nice little pity party, cry it out sesh or two for myself over the next week or so, maybe longer. Back to the drawing board I went since my original plan of doing IVF first to bank at least 2-3 embryos for baby #2 and/or #3, then moving to IUI to get pregnant with baby #1 didn’t seem to be a viable option anymore. I decided to look into doing another round of IVF instead to try to get more normal embryos.
my pity party
Of course with this, the biggest stress and worry was how the hell am I going to afford to do this?! I don’t want to take out another loan, and though my clinic offered a discount for another round, there was no way I could afford it out of pocket, so I would have to find a cheaper option.
By June, I was grieving with the rest of the country about the social unrest, and trying to do what I could to address my own need to learn and un-learn about racism, something that I continue to do to this day. But I was also ready to explore another clinic and made an appointment for a consultation with a lower-cost one in Arizona. I had my baseline labs done again, and did some further fertility testing of my own. Around this time I also decided that I wanted to work with single mothers by choice in my private practice. I remember having a “lightbulb moment” that this is what I was meant to do in my career and I am forever grateful that this fertility journey is what brought that to me.
That month I also found myself ready to start thinking about dating again. I started a Bumble account and quickly deleted it 20 minutes later, also the same with Tinder about 10 times over the previous month, but I remained curious about the prospect of actually dating while trying to have a baby on my own. It had been about a year since my divorce was final, mixed with the isolation of CoVID lockdowns, I was just about ready to get myself out there again.
Back in January 2020, I had heard about Lux and Noir Boudoir Photography on the Dear God it’s Me Thirty podcast and signed up immediately, as it had always been something I wanted to do and thought it would be a perfect bucket list item to complete before getting pregnant. After many setbacks and re-schedules due to CoVID I was finally able to do my photoshoot on July 31st in Ventura, CA. That same weekend I got on Tinder (after finally taking the step to pay for an account a couple of weeks earlier) just for fun to see what was up with the prospects in Ventura County. Plus, I was feeling super sexy and empowered after my photoshoot!
The day after my photoshoot, on August 1st, I went on my first (and only) Tinder date, socially distanced at the beach, then later went to dinner in Downtown Ventura. Well, I guess you could say things went well, because we are still seeing each other! Albeit in a semi-complicated, but not complicated since we’re on the same page, long-distance, mutually casual, but not wanting to date anyone else, but technically not exclusive either….It works for us for the time being and we will figure out the rest once I move back home.
Yes, he knows about my journey to SMC. I told him right away, probably within the first 20 minutes of meeting, and he didn’t run away screaming, in fact he seemed to appreciate it, and obviously supports my choice fully.
Either way, I am happy and that’s all that matters for right now. I deleted Tinder after my month subscription was over and haven’t looked at it since. I was going to write a blog post about dating as a SMC in a pandemic but honestly I figured it wouldn’t be very interesting as I only went on one first date!
Despite meeting someone special, August was not a fun month for me however, because when I returned home after that weekend I was thrown into CoVID hell at work as the virus had finally made its way to our small town of Bishop, CA. For the next 5-6 weeks I worked 60 hour weeks, basically living at the facility, working more as a CNA (nursing assistant) than a dietitian, trying to save our resident’s from the ravages of the pandemic. We lost a lot of people and it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I had virtually no time to think about myself and my fertility journey. I simply put myself aside and worked as hard as I could until we all got through it.
By mid-September, after recovering from our CoVID outbreak it was time to get back to it. I had my consultation with the doctor in Arizona on September 23rd. It went fine, no groundbreaking new information, the doctor was perfectly nice and answered all my questions. I would feel good going to this clinic but when I added up the travel costs and time off of work, it was only a couple thousand less than staying at my current clinic and I didn’t think it was worth the change so I decided to stay with my original clinic. I would just have to save up the money and pay out of pocket.
Which meant that I needed to make a lot of extra money somehow, as soon as possible. I resolved to get my private practice up and running so that I could get paying clients to help me afford another round of IVF.
I worked hard with my website designer and by mid-October I had my lead magnet and my new website complete and ready to put out into the world. This new website was a year in the making and I’m so glad I invested in my business to get it done. I started posting on Instagram for my private practice, now called @the.smc.dietitian, on a regular basis and marketed myself in the facebook groups where my ideal clients hang out the most. Within the next two months I got paying clients for my budding private practice but it is going to be awhile until I can build it to full time since I still have to work my full-time job to be able to pay my bills, have insurance and benefits and be able to save money towards more fertility treatments, oh and also have time for my baby-diva pup Ruby.
My Free Checklist for SMCs
Over these two months I also realized that saving up for IVF was just not ideal and was going to take way too long. I needed another option. I was reminded of the well-known low-cost clinic in New York called CNY Fertility and learned that they offer payment plans as well, which I didn’t know about previously. As soon as I re-visited the website and learned more about the payment options, I decided that this was the option for me. They also have recently taken over a clinic in Colorado Springs so I might not have to travel all the way to New York.
On November 24th I spent an hour on hold, knowing very well that it is usually at least a 3 month wait to get in, and that long hold times are common, but you have to be persistent. I got an appointment for an initial consultation on March 15th. Which was perfect, about three and a half months to prepare my body and mind, although I never really stopped with the diet and lifestyle changes from my previous round, but it was good to get my mind wrapped around the idea of doing IVF again.
I had a lovely small family Thanksgiving, and continued to work hard on my business ventures. In mid-December I was asked to be on my first podcast, Dear God It’s Me Thirty and I had a blast talking about both my fertility journey as well as my nutrition private practice. I also lined up two or three more podcast interviews, one of which I’m scheduled to record this week. I’m so excited and honored to be able to share my journey with whatever audience I can.
Unfortunately, our Christmas had to be postponed a couple of weeks due to a CoVID scare but thankfully everyone is healthy and CoVID-free and we are celebrating this weekend instead.
To end the year on a great note, on December 30th, after calling CNY relentlessly for any cancellations I was lucky enough to get a much closer date for my consult and I am now scheduled for February 3rd, a whole month and a half sooner than expected, and only three weeks away! It’s a good thing I have been preparing my mind and body for this for the last year, now I am just excited to move forward and will hopefully be doing my IVF round #2 in March, followed by either an IUI or a frozen transfer (i.e. actually trying to get pregnant) in April. It seems so close now, I almost can’t believe it’s actually going to happen.
I spent New Years Eve in my home sweet home of Mammoth Lakes, with my sweetie, watching the east coast ball drop and in bed by 10pm. Then started 2021 by snowboarding on a near-empty mountain, and soaking in the local natural hot springs. All in all a good way to end the year of 2020 and start the new year of 2021, the year that I (fingers crossed) become a Single Mother by Choice. 💛
Time is Money
“Quality is the ally of schedule and cost, not their adversary. If we have to sacrifice quality to meet schedule, it’s because we are doing the job wrong from the very beginning.” – James A. Ward
Long time no see friends, I can’t believe it’s been almost three months since my last blog post! I assure you things have not been quiet in my world though, not in the least. I have been very busy making changes to and updating my fertility plan in order to get the best outcome I possibly can in my next round of IVF.
I thought the quote above was fitting to encompass what this blog post is all about, hopefully it will make sense by the end.
I’ve gotten a lot of questions lately, understandably, about what I’m doing with this baby making stuff. I kind of hit the ground running and then disappeared a little bit after the results of the last round so it makes sense that everyone just wants to know what the heck is going on?!
Well….as of right now, I’m in a standstill until I can save up the money for the next round.
If you don’t follow my social (that’s okay...just click the links at the top of the page duh!), or even if you do, you may have forgotten what’s happened since my first egg retrieval at the end of April/beginning of May, so I’ll catch you up on what’s gone down:
Genetic testing results came back with one normal embryo, out of four blastocysts, all others are abnormal and unable to be transferred.
I decided to do another round of IVF instead of moving on to IUI, as I had originally planned.
I contacted another clinic in Arizona for a lower-cost option and, after getting some more labs done, had an initial consult with the nurse on July 24th. Not much new info there, they do things roughly the same, just some little differences. After that conversation I was able to schedule a consult with the doctor, which isn’t until September! Ugh, that is frustrating and turning me off of this clinic more. But at the same time, if it’s included in what I already paid, I may as well go through with the consultation.
Had a phone consult with my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) at my current clinic and we discussed doing another round of IVF, how the protocol would change, and the outcomes I could expect. This made me feel good, I love my RE and my clinic.
Shortly after that consult I received, from the financial coordinator, the discounted rate at my current clinic for round #2, and was happy to find out that it would be $12,000 (full price is $16,000), not including the $1000 credit I have there, and of course medications, which will likely be a little more expensive the second time around due to a longer protocol.
In comparison to the clinic in Arizona, which is about $9000 not including meds, it’s not that much more and may be worth it to just stay where I’m at, especially considering I would have to travel alone, stay in a hotel for 7-10 days, take much more time off of work, and I’m not loving the less personal service they provide as far as quality of care.
So I’m still debating which clinic I will go to for the next round, but for now I’m leaning towards staying where I’m at. I’m looking forward to my consultation with the other RE though to at least get a second opinion.
I’m still adamant in my decision to do another round of IVF, the only problem is that I DO NOT want to get another loan. So that leaves me only one option of saving up and paying in cash.
I know and have accepted the fact that this may take awhile, but I think it has it’s advantages also:
Motivation to be money smart and put every extra penny towards this goal.
Motivation to get my private practice off the ground in order to make more money, and make good money faster.
Time to improve any habits that need improving like diet and lifestyle.
Time to get more labs and tests done to identify any root causes of infertility (which in turn helps out my nutrition and private practice skills, win win).
Time to dial in my diet and supplement regimen to fix any of those root causes (again, win win).
Time to make any other product and environmental changes that may be hindering fertility (I’ll explain more below).
Finally, time to move back home, another new development, as I decided to move (if possible), before trying to get pregnant, instead of after getting pregnant.
Now I already made some of these changes prior to my first round, but looking at my results, perhaps it wasn’t enough? Not enough change? Not enough time? There’s really no way to know if it was just a factor of age or maybe something more, but I find it fascinating to try to figure it out. That’s the scientist in me, and one of the reasons for the profession I chose.
I made a table to break down the supplements I took before round #1 and round #2 to compare, as well as the cost (because everything is expensive in this process), and a short explanation to the reason why. Unfortunately, Squarespace does not like tables so I had to type it out, sorry. Believe me, you do not want me to get into the science of all of this, just trust that these are all evidence-based recommendations from hours of extensive research and tailored to me and my situation. Read “It Starts With the Egg” for more information, I have a link in the Resources section.
First, is all the supplements:
Pre-IVF #1:
Thorne prenatal - 3 capsules/d
ALL women of childbearing age should be taking a prenatal!! This one is good quality with methyl-folate.
$14.00/month
Ubiquinol (aka CoQ10) Now Brand - 400mg/d
improves egg quality
$37.35/month
Vitamin D - 10,000IU/d
low Vitamin D prior to round #1, can hinder fertility
$3.31/month
Probiotic w/ 10,000 strains - daily
gut health
$6.60/month
Vegan Omega-3/DHA - 300mg/d
vegan-ish diet, DHA is important for fetal brain development
$9.91/month
B12 - 1000mcg/week
vegan-ish diet
$1.59/month
Melatonin - 3mg/d (only taken 1 month prior to egg retrieval)
research shows can improve IVF results
$1.20
Total cost per month = $73.96
Pre-IVF #2:
Thorne prenatal - 3 capsules/d
$14.00/month
Ubiquinol (aka CoQ10) Jarrow Brand - 600mg/d
better quality brand, increased dosage for better egg quality
$55.50/month
Vitamin D w/ K2 - 5000IU/d
better absorption w/ K2
$16.65/month
Probiotic w/ 10,000 strains - daily
$6.60/month
Vegan Omega-3/DHA
$9.91/month
B12 - 1000mcg/week
$1.59/month
Melatonin - 3mg/d
will repeat before next egg retrieval
$1.20
Vitamin E - 400IU/d
antioxidant, improves egg quality
$5.25/month
Vitamin C - 500mg/d
antioxidant, improves egg quality
increased to 1000mg/d during CoVID outbreak to support immune system
$2.60-5.20/month
Thyroid support (selenium, magnesium, ashwagandha)- 2 capsules/d
slightly high TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone), high TSH can hinder fertility
$12.83/month
Total cost per month = $126.13
Gut healing protocol:
Gastromend - 6 capsules/d for 2-3 months, started 7/15
gut repair
$153.10 total
S.boulardii - 1 capsule/d for 2-3 months, started early August
targeted probiotic for gut repair
$5.50/month
Biocidin - 1 capsule/d for 1-2 months, will start in 2-4 weeks
targeted anti-microbial for gut repair
$59.97 total
Possible additions:
Vitamin A
need to research type and amount to take
deficient per labs results
N-acetylcysteine
precursor to glutathione (antioxidant)
borderline glutathione deficiency per lab results, important antioxidant for fertility
Then, all the product and environment changes:
Beauty product changes to non-toxic
Makeup: powder, concealer, bronzer, eye shadow, mascara, lip gloss, brushes
Deodorant
Shampoo and conditioner
Face scrub
Body and face wash
Moisturizer/lotion
Toothpaste
Eye-makeup remover
Tried a new hairspray but it was crap, switched back to the old “toxic” one, still searching for a new “non-toxic” one
Only use glass tupperware, no plastic
Never heat any food in a plastic container
Was already not drinking out of plastic water bottles for the last 2-3 years, instead I use stainless steel reusable water bottles everyday
Bought a Berkey water filter in June (basically the Cadillac of water filters)
Try as much as possible to not take receipts
No air-freshener, make my own with essential oils
Dish soap and dishwasher packets
Laundry detergent, no dryer sheets
Before the first round I stopped drinking at home about two months prior and stopped drinking all together probably a month prior. I stopped smoking weed only about a few weeks prior, when I started my stims. This time around I already stopped drinking at home (I’ll have a drink or two when out with friends and family, which is not often), and stopped smoking weed and will continue that until the next round is done. I’ll stop drinking alcohol completely at least 3 months before.
***edited to add: the CoVID outbreak changed this for the last three weeks, wine and beer was needed! I’ll go back to not drinking at home again once I finish what I have.
I don’t drink coffee, but I do enjoy a chai latte from starbucks often and I’ve cut that down to only 1-2 times a week.
Diet wise, I could’ve been better before the first round, it wasn’t bad, but wasn’t great either. Now I’m just continuing to make small changes like eating out less, increasing veggies, making and sticking to a loose weekly meal plan so that I make more meals from scratch and depend less on processed foods.
I’m continuing to focus on good quality sleep every night, and try to get 8 hours as much as possible. I’m an old lady now, I start getting ready for bed around 8:30pm. I’m trying, key word being try, to decrease my screen time as much as possible, especially 1-2 hours before going to bed.
***edited to add: diet changes and quality sleep also went out the window!! When in crisis mode I am a free-food-itarian and we were very lucky to have the facility feed us for the first two weeks, I took what I could get! Getting back in the groove with both of these now.
This is where I’m at today, all the changes I’ve made up to this point, but there’s still more to be made since I just got back all of my lab results from recent tests I’ve done over the last months, and I just got results for the test I sent in about a month ago. This is mostly what I’ve been waiting on to write this post, I wanted to have a little more info to put it all into perspective. This fertility journey is still a work in progress.
Here are the tests that I’ve done (in order of completion) and the results, along with how my protocol may change:
GI Map: I actually did this test before the first round, completed the test at the end of February and got the results back on March 3rd, but I put off doing anything about it until June.
Results: too many big confusing words to write, let’s just say my gut health can use some repair. It’s not terrible and I have no signs and symptoms one would normally see from the results, but nevertheless it will take some time to repair. Overall, my goal is to decrease any inflammation, and to fix any decreased nutrient absorption issues. See chart above for supplement protocol.
Vitamin D:
Result: 46ng/mL (reference range 30-100ng/mL), Normal, at the low end
Current treatment: 10-15 minutes sun time when possible, increase supplement slightly, increase foods high in Vitamin D (mushrooms, fortified soymilk)
CoVID outbreak protocol change: upped to 10,000IU/d for the time being to support immune system
Thyroid labs:
Result:
TSH 2.60mIU/L (reference range 1.0-2.0mIU/L), high per functional levels for fertility
Free T3 3.1 pg/mL (reference range at least 3.2pg/mL), slightly low
Free T4 1.1ng/dL (reference range at least 1.1ng/dL), normal
Reverse T3 9ng/dL (reference range <10), normal
Current treatment: added thyroid support supplement, diet changes, re-test in 4-6 weeks (may need a medication to get it down lower)
Omega Check:
Result: levels of all the essential fatty acids are normal, however EPA+DPA+DHA levels are low (moderate relative risk), and % arachidonic acid is low and % linoleic acid is high
Treatment: increase essential fatty acids in diet (nuts and seeds, plant oils), maybe increase supplement
MTHFR: this is a specific gene that affects how one metabolizes folate, can greatly affect fertility if you have decreased metabolization due to genetic mutations
Result: only one mutation that does not affect folate metabolism
Treatment: none/no change
Cycle Day 3, re-check:
Results:
Estradiol <20pg/mL (reference range 27-156), normal
FSH 11.0mIU/mL (reference range 3.5-9.0), slightly high
AMH 2.96 (reference for age: mean 1.54, median 1.38), very good for my age and increased from 7 months ago
Treatment: none, nurse was not worried about slightly high FSH and other numbers look very good, continue on supplements and lifestyle changes
Spectracell:
Results:
Deficient in Vitamin A and Vitamin D (which is weird because other lab test result was normal?)
Borderline deficient in Biotin, Choline, Chromium, Glutamine, Glutathione, Oleic Acid, Pantothenate, Vitamin B12, Vitamin K2
Deficient in Total Antioxidant Function, Average in Total Immune Function, Strong in Total Immune Function vs Age
Treatment: free phone consult with Spectracell practitioner for education on results (need to schedule), supplement with Vitamin A (need to research/learn appropriate type and amount), increase Vitamin D supplement slightly, increase B12 supplement, probably add N-acetylcysteine for borderline glutathione deficiency and total antioxidant function
DUTCH: stands for Dried Urine Test for Comprehensive Hormones. I just got these results a couple weeks ago and they are super confusing to read and interpret so I will be scheduling a phone consult with a practitioner ASAP! This test will give me an overview of my reproductive hormones, any hormonal imbalances, as well as my cortisol response (stress hormone) and adrenal function (or dysfunction).
Results: at first glance I may have some increased cortisol issues (I’m really not that stressed I swear), and some other hormonal issues.
***Edited to add: hahahaha well I wasn’t stressed at the time
Treatment: unknown at this time
Are you bored with all the science yet??! Did you scroll right through?! I wouldn’t blame you or expect everyone to understand all of this. Sorry, but I find this fun, I could do this all day! This is exactly what I will be providing for my nutrition clients as well, a root cause analysis for any fertility-related issues, but that’s another topic altogether!
I think my point in sharing all this is to get across how much crap we single mothers by choice and others suffering through infertility have to go through in the name of science. How we have to get poked and prodded over and over again in an effort to get answers. It can be exhausting, frustrating, validating and everything in between.
I’ll leave you with that. Your head is probably spinning, as is mine just about everyday.
I’ve probably gotta get back to one of my four jobs anyway, gotta make that money!
Thanks to those still following this journey of mine. Much love to you all. <3
***The majority of this was written prior to the CoVID outbreak at my work three weeks ago. Since then I have been working 60 hour weeks and have had little to no time to think about anything else. Things are finally slowing down as we find our groove and get our residents and staff through it. However, this outbreak may also be putting more of a hold on my plans than I would like, but I really won’t know anything for at least another few weeks to months, as we know so little about this virus and what is going to happen from here. There’s a lot up in the air now and I’m trying my best to just take it day by day.
P.S. I thought this quote was also fitting for this journey:
“Trials make you strong.
Failure makes you humble.
Challenges make you strive.
Life keeps you going and growing”
― Kemi Sogunle, Beyond the Pain by Kemi Sogunle
1 Really is the Loneliest Number
Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote a blog post. This is for a few reasons. One, I was freaking busy trying to create embryos, working, and posting on social media, sometimes twice a day! Two, I wasn’t quite sure what to write or how to update on top of what I was already doing on social media. Lastly, honestly, I just didn’t feel compelled to. Until now.
So I made it through the egg retrieval and embryo making process last month. I was lucky enough to not have my cycle cancelled due to coronavirus, or my body not cooperating. I shot myself up with hormones for ten days, which was actually a lot easier than I expected. Probably because it was such a short protocol, which I’ll get into in a bit, but also my body just seemed to respond really well and had no crazy side effects. I didn’t bruise all over like a lot of women do, and I wasn’t a raging bitch, which I’m sure my co-workers appreciated. By the end of it and for a week after the retrieval I only felt really bloated, which is obviously expected as your ovaries are filled with lots of eggs ready to be extracted.
I’m not going to go into the nitty gritty of the shots, the retrieval and the aftermath, because you can see that on my Instagram and Facebook pages. I will get into what happened in the two weeks after the retrieval though, because I haven’t talked about it much and I know everyone has lots of questions about what it means for the future.
I ended up with four embryos that made it to what’s called a blastocyst. A blastocyst is an embryo (which begins as a single cell), that has continued to divide every 12-24 hours, and over the course of an average of 5 days, is about 70-100 cells.(1) A blastocyst contains two different cell types, one that will become the fetal tissue and the other that will become the placenta. A fertilized egg has to make it to the blastocyst stage in order to be frozen, genetically tested, and later transferred into the uterus for implantation. Not all eggs that are fertilized will make it this far, some may stop dividing and will therefore not be able to be transferred into the uterus.
Some clinics will do a fresh transfer of 3-day embryos, meaning that they are not frozen, and are put back into the uterus a few days after the retrieval with hopes of implantation. However, frozen transfers have been shown to be more successful than fresh. Due to both my age and my plan of saving these embryos for later down the road, I didn’t worry about the possibility of transferring any 3-day embryos, and to be honest, I didn’t even ask my clinic if they do this.
As I explained in my second blog post, my original plan was to do a round of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) first in order to have “younger” fertilized eggs available for the future, and then move on to IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination, think turkey baster but in a doctor’s office) after that when I wanted to start trying to actually get pregnant. Almost everyone I talk to forgets that this was the plan, so please, kindly go back and read that sentence again, it’s a very important factor in all of this.
When I got the news that I had four embryos make it to blastocyst I was pretty happy with that and thought I had a good chance of getting at least 2-3 normal embryos, and I could start trying to conceive via IUI in June, after giving my body a month off to recover. What is a “normal” embryo you ask? And why would you want to know whether an embryo is “normal” or not?
A normal embryo is an embryo that doesn’t have any abnormalities. Well, duh. Thanks to science we can get even more specific than that though. Genetic testing of embryos is done through PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening), now known as PGT-A (Preimplantation Genetic Testing for Aneuploidies).(2)
After PGT-A testing, embryos will fall into one of three categories, euploid (normal), aneuploid (abnormal), or mosaic (mixed). Euploid embryos have the correct number of chromosomes (46) in each cell, and therefore, have the best chance of implantation, a high likelihood of resulting in a successful pregnancy, and the lowest chance of miscarriage. Aneuploid embryos have an abnormal number of chromosomes per cell. They can have extra chromosomes known as “trisomy,” or not enough, a “deletion,” or both).
https://www.coopergenomics.com/products/pgt-a/
These abnormal embryos have a very unlikely chance of implantation and successful pregnancy, and a high chance of miscarriage. Aneuploid embryos are not recommended for transfer, in other words, you’d be hard pressed to find a clinic that will even do it.
Mosaic embryos, which have both normal and abnormal cells, have been shown to have the ability to correct themselves after implantation but this is not guaranteed, and therefore have a low, but possible likelihood of resulting in a successful pregnancy. Some clinics may consider transferring mosaics, but usually only if there are no normal embryos available.
You would think that I would’ve been obsessing over these incoming results after my retrieval, but to be honest, I really didn’t, maybe for the first week, but after that I kind of forgot about it. I was relaxed and focusing on other things, like my business and getting back to normal life. Until I called my clinic to report the first day of my new cycle, I was speaking with the nurse, talking about what my plans were going forward and she reminded me that we were still waiting on the results.
Two days later, as I was leaving work, I opened up my email before driving away and saw one from the embryologist. Of course, I couldn’t let it wait until I got home, and my stomach dropped as I read the results.
One normal embryo. All three others are abnormal. Not even mosaics, all abnormal.
I cried on the drive home, not much, but I had to let it out a little.
My mind raced as I thought about what this meant going forward. What does this mean for my egg quality? Is it actually not that great, despite my labs saying otherwise? Was this just a fluke? Was my protocol not long enough? Will IUI even be successful if my eggs aren’t as good as I thought they were? Should I do another round of IVF? Can I afford another round of IVF?? The answer to that is definitely no at this time, without going into more debt, which I really don’t want to do, but I would if it was possible and worth it.
So many questions, so many unknowns. Per usual.
I called my mom a couple hours later and delivered the not so great news. Cried again, because I just can’t help it when I talk to her, I don’t know who can help it when lamenting to their parents, it’s nearly impossible for me.
I laid out all the different scenarios/options in my head, and later to friends and more family on the phone. I went to the grocery store, bought a weekend’s worth of fun food, wine and goodies to drown my tears in. Although, I didn’t cry again after that phone call and haven’t since. I did my usual sappy movie + aforementioned food and drink for a night, and took the rest of the weekend to just relax, clean, watch movies, work on self-care, de-stress and reorganize my brain. I put a little thought into my different options but I didn’t put any actual work into it until the following Monday, the beginning of last week.
I googled the specific results for my abnormal embryos, wondering if there were any possibility of transferring them and if it was worth it to use my free consultation to talk to the genetic specialists. Below is a picture of my results. If you’re curious you can google them yourself. For the ones that have a (+) then the number, just google “karyotype trisomy (insert number here).” For the ones that have a (-) then the number, google “karyotype (insert number here) deletion.”
If you do take the time to do this, you’ll likely come to the same conclusion that I did, and that is that I would never transfer these embryos, even if any clinic allowed it.
So, here’s where I stand with moving forward, these are my options and how I feel about them:
Scenario #1: Go forward with the original plan of IUI first, then frozen embryo transfer down the road.
I’m now not as optimistic that IUI will actually work, so I may waste a lot of money trying at least three rounds of IUI (~$3000 per round), then have to do IVF again anyways. If I do get pregnant, then I only have one embryo to use later for a second child, and there is only a 30% chance of success with that one embryo.
If I have to do IVF again (if that one embryo transfer is not successful) after getting pregnant and having my first child, I will then be 39, maybe even 40 by the time I can do the IVF again and 40 or 41 by the time I can try to get pregnant again, which makes things so much harder the older and older I get. And this is all assuming that I have no miscarriages or other events that would present a bump in the road, further delaying my timeline, so I could be even older than that.
And FYI, getting pregnant after 40 is not as easy as it may seem, so I don’t want to hear comments or stories about how I can easily get pregnant after 40. It is not portrayed realistically in media, movies, the news, wherever you may have seen stories about women getting pregnant into their 40’s. It’s actually really freaking hard and a miracle it even happens at all!
This scenario means coming to terms with the fact that I may only have one child. This is something I’m just not willing to accept at the moment. I have always wanted a big family, and while I may not get the three or four I always imagined, I think at least two is a good number. I think the possibility of having more than one child is still something within my grasp, and is something that is still worth working hard to achieve. I’m not willing to give up on this dream just yet. Of course, I would be eternally grateful to have one child, and would be happy with that reality if it came, but I would regret not at least trying for more than one.
Scenario #2:
I can do another round of IVF to try to get some more normal embryos right now while I’m still as young as I’ll ever be. There is a cheaper clinic in Arizona that I just happened to hear about two weeks ago while I was waiting for my results. The only other lower-cost clinic that I know about is in New York so I didn’t really consider it at the start of this journey, I wanted to stay local if I could and thought the higher cost was worth the money.
I can take the next few months to save the money and be able to pay out of pocket, without getting a loan. I can also take these few months to work hard to improve my egg quality with improved diet, cutting out alcohol and other recreational “products” completely until the next round (I smoke weed, there I said it) instead of just the month before, increased supplements, continuing to switch out toxic household and beauty products, and get more thorough testing and labs done.
This will hopefully give me at least 1-2 normal embryos, if not more, and a higher chance of having more than one child.
I may consider not doing IUI at all and only transferring frozen embryos to try to get pregnant but I can revisit this option once I’m done with the second round of IVF, as it all depends on those results.
I’ve decided to pursue option #2, as I’m sure you can tell after reading my feelings about each one. It just makes sense at this time in my life, and I’m excited for the next few months and working towards this new plan. As I’ve said in my blog posts before, this is pretty par for the course in the fertility world, and it would have been naive of me to expect everything to work perfectly. So I didn’t. I prepared myself for this possibility in my head. Sure it hurts and is a punch to the gut when you do get those results you weren’t hoping for, but the worst is not over, I’m sure there will be more bumps in the road to overcome.
I say bring it on! I’m ready and prepared to fight for my dream of being a mother and having a family of my own. With my family and friends by my side, I will accomplish my dream. I’ve been working on gratitude and manifesting, can you tell?!
I’ve already turned in the paperwork to request an initial consultation at the new clinic, which is $300 just for a consult, by the way. I love my current clinic and would love to stay, but unfortunately, just can’t afford to continue there. However, when it comes time, I will hopefully transfer that one normal embryo and get my first or second rainbow baby.
References:
(1) https://www.sdfertility.com/blog/what-is-the-difference-between-a-day-3-and-a-day-5-embryo-transfer#
(2) https://www.coopergenomics.com/products/pgt-a/
Trying to Have a Baby During a Global Pandemic
My #1 priority for this weekend was to pick a sperm donor. I have been perusing profiles for months and didn’t think that when it came down to it that it would be that difficult. I just assumed one would stand out among the rest and that would be that, a winner among a sea of dudes that went through an extensive vetting process in order to give of themselves like others could never even think of. I mean, on paper these guys are all winners...degrees, good jobs, and I’m pretty sure I can assume they all have their driver’s licenses and don’t live with their mothers. Like, for real, I want to date these guys!
Oh wait, this isn’t a dating site, though it feels like it is as I scroll through the pictures, essays, and staff descriptions. Although, online dating is something with which I also have little to no experience. For a minute in college I was on a few, mostly free dating sites, of which only one date resulted. Not that it was bad, it was fine, we never went out again though, and the whole online dating thing just wasn’t for me, and didn’t last long.
Is it so much to ask for things to just happen organically? Then again, I also don’t have the best history for when it did happen that way. I apparently don’t have the best picker (as Dr. Drew would say). Which is how I got here in the first place, and I guess it’s not surprising that I am having the hardest time even narrowing down my searches given that I don’t trust my own ability to choose quality members of the opposite sex. There are just so many parameters to think about, but add on top of that the fact that the world is not the same place it was a month ago.
Every day that goes by I go through so many different emotions, ranging in severity, it might only be a fleeting moment or it might consume me for hours, leaving me barely able to focus on work. So, I thought that I would give you a closer look into what it’s like to try to have a baby during a global pandemic and just how my brain works during a time like this.
The one that consumes me the most is of course FEAR. I’m scared shitless of getting sick and having to be put on a ventilator (for people with asthma, this is a very real fear), so because of that I haven’t been outside of work and home for more than two weeks, except for one trip to the post office. I’m determined to live off the food that I have until I absolutely cannot survive any longer, and even then there’s still contactless delivery. Even at work, I mostly stay in my office, and might start closing the door this week, because I know that not all of my co-workers are being as diligent as I am, which scares the ever-living shit out of me.
Even if I don’t get sick, I’m also scared of even being exposed to a positive CoVID-19 patient, because, depending on the amount of exposure, I may have to cancel my cycle. So, that leaves me scared to actually try to go through with all of this. Will it be for nothing? Will I be in the middle of the 10 days of giving myself painful injections of ridiculously expensive medications and then have to cancel? What if that shit ton of money I got a loan for ($15,000 due to the clinic in 5 days) all goes to waste? When will I even be able to afford to do this again?
Then of course there’s the fear that I may actually make it through unscathed and then I have to go through the stress of wondering how my body is going to respond to the meds, and if I will get any healthy embryos to freeze. If I do get some, then holy shit, I will have to do a transfer at some point in the next few years, and who knows how many it will take to get pregnant, will I even get enough embryos, or I will be like the majority of women who have to go through several IVF cycles just to get one viable pregnancy?
Let’s just say for argument's sake, like this is a perfect world, that I don’t get sick, or exposed, and I make it through the whole IVF cycle and get 4 or more healthy embryos (that’s my magic number for myself), then what? Do I start trying to get pregnant right away like I had planned? Do I put it off until all this craziness is over? Do I have time to put it off? Do I try on my own with a couple home inseminations instead of risking going to the clinic?
Keep in mind, every month I “try” to get pregnant via insemination, whether it be at home or at the clinic, it’s at the least $1000 for the sperm + maybe a few hundred for the needed supplies, and at the most it’s a few thousand for sperm + meds + ultrasounds, etc. In other words, it’s not something you do just willy nilly.
Don’t even get me started about the fear of actually being a mother all on my own, I think I’ll save that for later, but yes this is a fear that goes through my head on an almost daily basis, as I’m sure it does for most women and men that know they are going to be a parent at some point in the near future. This is a very overwhelming fear in itself.
Thankfully, I don’t spend my days overwhelmed by all of this fear, I do also have moments of gratefulness, happiness and hope, mixed with some guilt for good measure. Only because I would like to end on a happy note, I’ll explain the guilt first.
While I’m happy to still have a job and be able to afford all of this, it also leaves me with overwhelming guilt. So many single-mothers-by-choice-to-be and couples going through infertility treatments have not only had their cycles cancelled and their clinics closed, they have also lost their jobs and any chance of trying for the foreseeable future. So I feel guilty.
Guilty that I’m still “young enough” that I’m not quite at the end of the road yet. Guilty that I still have a well-paying job that I can both go to physically and also be able to work from home. A job that, unless I screw it up somehow, that I will have for years to come until I choose to leave, and is and will always be considered “essential” during the worst of times. Guilty that my particular clinic has chosen to not close down completely. How did I get so lucky and why do I deserve to get to do this over any other woman or couple? I don’t, it’s mostly luck, pure luck, mixed with some privilege that I fully acknowledge.
Guilty that I’m even attempting to have a baby, while people are dying.
Which brings me to the grateful, happy and hopeful feelings. I’m grateful for everything that I do have and everything I’ve had the privilege to work for and get. Of course, I was grateful for these things before this pandemic, but it really does put things into perspective, what we have and how much we take for granted everyday. I’m grateful to have my amazing supportive family, and to be able to live in my happy place in the beautiful currently snow-covered mountains, surrounded by mother nature’s beauty everyday. To have a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, utilities that will continue to be paid for, not having to worry about paying my bills, and not living paycheck to paycheck anymore. Not everyone has these luxuries.
I’m happy that I’m not alone in a time like this. Yes, I live alone and it is getting a little boring and tedious trying to find things to do to distract myself from all the aforementioned things running through my anal-retentive OCD brain, but truly I’m not alone. I have friends and family I can talk to, and a puppy that keeps me just the right amount of occupied and busy, seriously, so thankful I have Ruby. I can still go to work and see and talk to my coworkers five days a week, so I’m not going quite as stir crazy as everyone else.
I’m happy that this is forcing all of us to slow down our pace of life, re-teaching all of us how nice it is to spend time with ourselves, and our families. How nice it is to sit and read a book, or watch your kids play outside. Just finding things to do that don’t involve technology, I like that.
I have hope too. Hope that we will eventually get through this and come out the other end with a renewed appreciation for life. Hope that people will take the warnings seriously and stay the fuck home, and that if they do, I will actually make it through the next 20 days and be able to do my egg retrieval.
And, lastly, hope that I will actually get through these damn sperm donor profiles, choose wisely, and pick the winner that gets to try to fertilize my eggs and eventually make a baby.
The Greatest Single Choice of My Life: What’s Next? Part 2
Going forward with my plan of doing IVF to freeze embryos, I left my clinic with a long to-do list before we could continue. This list included more lab tests, a visit to the gyno for a yearly exam, genetic testing, financial planning, sperm donor selection, as well as deciding exactly when I could fit this into my schedule. I set my sights on February 2020 for several reasons.
First, I could take some time to get started on my to-do list without stressing too much, especially during the holiday season. Not to mention the time spent with family during the holidays could be spent mostly distraction free, and allowing time to prepare myself physically and mentally.
Another reason, is that after the egg retrieval I could take a month-long break in March and then start trying to have a baby via IUI in April, that is, if I wanted to. At the time, I still wasn’t sure when exactly I would start trying to conceive but planned for sometime in the next year or two.
I quickly made my gyno appointment for December 13th, got my yearly exam, and asked my doctor to order the additional labs that I would need. A month later on January 13th I went to the lab early in the morning before work to get my Vitamin D level, B12 level, thyroid labs, and infectious disease tests done. The fact that it was early in the morning would prove to be a slightly unfortunate decision.
The thyroid lab known as TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was required but not the accompanying T3, T4, and thyroxine that you usually see with basic thyroid labs. Again, knowing too much, I knew how important thyroid health is to egg quality so I added those to the list myself. Within the week I had my results and I was not expecting what I got.
My vitamin D was low, within normal limits but on the low side, despite having been supplementing with 5000IU almost daily for the last nine months. My B12 was high, which could be a sign of over-supplementation or inadequate absorption. These two could be easily fixed with adjustments to my supplement regimen but could also be related to the other result I got that threw me for a loop the most, which could therefore be a big red flag that something was very wrong was going on with my body and I didn’t even know it.
My TSH was too high at 3.482 uIU/mL. Normal range is 0.358-3.740uIU/mL for normal folks (although this is currently being debated in the medical world), but for those of us trying for a science baby, most clinics prefer it to be less than 2.0-2.50, which I was clearly higher than. Additionally, my T3 was slightly too low, but my T4 was good.
I couldn’t even focus at work for two days straight while I tried to work out everything in my head. What does this mean? Do I have hypothyroidism? Do I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis? This definitely means my egg retrieval could be pushed back if I don’t figure it out in time, of which I don’t have much. Do I need to add more supplements? Do I need medication?
I spent days researching all I could about these conditions and what it meant for my health. Following doctors and dietitians that specialize in thyroid health, signing up for email lists, considering books to order, reading blog article after article, anything I could do to learn more and figure out my next steps.
It didn’t take me long to decide it was impossible to learn everything I needed to know and that I needed to give up control by speaking to an integrative doctor that could help me get to the root cause of the problem and could order more specialized labs for me. Gratefully, because I’m a dietitian I actually have the ability to order some integrative lab tests myself and pay the provider cost instead of the high client cost that is almost never covered by insurance. Even with my discount, these tests can easily cost a few hundred dollars.
FYI: An integrative practitioner is one that specializes in integrative and functional medicine (and/or nutrition), which is a more holistic practice, merging eastern and western medicine, and takes into account the whole person, including all aspects of life (stress, sleep, nutrition, environment, and more), to get to the root cause of disease.
I found a doctor in Ventura County, but then had to wait another two weeks for a free 15-minute initial consult via telehealth. On that consult, I explained my situation, and we agreed to get more extensive thyroid tests, which she would order, as well as a GI Map test and a micronutrient test, which I would order. GI health as well as micronutrient status can tell a lot about health in general and are also heavily related to thyroid health.
At the end of this 15-minute consult I scheduled my first actual appointment to follow up with the lab results, and paid the $179 appointment fee right there on the video screen with the doctor, which I wasn’t able to get until early March! More waiting, plus hopes for a February retrieval down the drain.
In the meantime, I continued to research thyroid health, and a few things not only started to bother me, but also got me thinking that my TSH result may have not been fully accurate.
First, I had no symptoms of hypothyroidism. I was getting plenty of sleep, a goal that I had been working on for months, going to bed early and trying for at least 8 hours every night. And it was good quality sleep, I have always been a good sleeper, I swear if sleeping was a profession I would be stinking rich. I was not overly tired during the day, I definitely was not finding myself worn down, unable to focus at work, or unable to exercise. My skin was great and not overly dry, with no eczema flare-ups. My hair is thick and continues to grow very fast. And my stress level, despite just having gone through a divorce and being at a new job, was honestly little to none.
I mean, just about every symptom of hypothyroidism was not something I could check off the list. Even if the hypothyroidism was caused by an autoimmune condition, which I may be prone to, I still should’ve seen at least a couple symptoms.
I also learned that thyroid tests are sensitive to the time of day that you take them. And guess what, TSH is highest early in the morning, especially if you are fasting, and may be affected by stress. So maybe, just maybe, taking the lab at 7am, after waking up earlier than usual, stressing about getting to the lab early so I can make it to work on time, before eating, was not the best idea. TSH is lowest later in the afternoon and after eating, so you best believe that I made my next lab appointment in the afternoon, on a Saturday, so that I could sleep in, not stress, and eat a good breakfast.
I was finally able to get all of these labs tests done on February 29th and March 2nd, a full month after meeting with the doctor, and three months after my first appointment with my clinic. I had also already done the GI Map test on myself the week before this and was waiting on the results of that as well. I decided not to do the micronutrient test, mostly because the kit took a while to ship to me and the turnaround for the results is currently 6+ weeks.
Exactly a week ago, on March 6th I got the result I had been hoping for and my world instantly changed for the better. My TSH was 2.39, I had no antibodies (so no Hashimoto’s), and my GI Map showed the same, no autoimmune pathogens and overall not bad gut health! My T3 and T4 are a little low and I could make some dietary improvements for better gut health, but overall I think with some focus on eating well and maybe some additional supplements, I’m confident that I will have a decent outcome with my egg retrieval and IVF.
I was able to cancel my appointment with the integrative doctor and get my money back, thank god. I also made plans for a late April egg retrieval, as it was already too late for the March cycle. Now, it became a waiting game for my period to start (due tomorrow March 14th, according to my cycle), so I could call the clinic and receive my prescriptions for all the meds I would need to start taking very soon, as in by Monday or Tuesday of next week.
And then….the shit hit the fan and the state of the world is in an uproar, changing on a seemingly hourly basis. Suddenly, everything is in question. Will my clinic stay open? Will I get sick, which may affect egg quality or put my egg retrieval in jeopardy somehow? What if I pay for and start the (very expensive) meds and then the cycle gets cancelled? What if we get overwhelmed at work and I can’t get to my appointments that are four hours away? So much is up in the air now.
I know it’s par for the course with infertility but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. You just never know what is lurking around the corner, waiting to rear its ugly head and get in the way of reaching your dreams.
I called the clinic yesterday and got an email back from one of the nurses, but I currently don’t have an answer about the possibility of the clinic closing or my retrieval being cancelled…
And so we wait.
The Greatest Single Choice of My Life: What’s Next? Part 1.
Part 1 of 2:
So you’ve decided to become a single mother by choice, no doubt one of the single biggest decisions in your life...now what? Well, the first step is likely going to be a lot of tests. Once I decided this was what I wanted to do I then had to figure out where to go from there.
After joining a couple of Facebook groups for single mothers by choice (that are linked on my resources page) and doing a little research, I knew that the first step was to find a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) as well as to get baseline labs done. A reproductive endocrinologist is an obstetrician/gynecologist (OB/GYN) that specializes in male and female infertility, and are trained in providing fertility treatments such as egg freezing, intrauterine insemination (IUI, also known as artificial insemination), and in-vitro fertilization (IVF).
Thankfully, due to my previous infertility journey with my ex-husband and my over-researching ways, I was already familiar with a lot of the tests that would need to be done to give a better picture of my own fertility status and that I had not had done yet.
I chose to go to a local OB/GYN first to get the labs I knew that the RE would want to see, one to save time and money, but also because all the REs I was finding were at least 5-6 hours away from where I live, just one downside of living in the mountains. I also thought they might be able to give me a recommendation for any REs that they knew, or had perhaps worked with before. Given that I’m so far away from civilization, anything that I could do here where I live would be an added bonus.
You can get the labs done by the RE if you choose, however, I think there are a couple of reasons why you do not want to do this. First, you may need to shop around for RE’s, which could take some time. It’s super important to find an RE that you click with, that you trust their protocol is right for you, that is willing to work with a single mother (yes, there are still clinics in this country where doctors will not accept single mothers by choice, insert mega eye roll here) and that isn’t going to just take advantage of your situation and is just interested in your money.
Second, it could cost a lot more, due to the likelihood of insurance covering fertility treatments being slim to none. If you’re one of the lucky ones to have fertility coverage then by all means go for it, but for the rest of us, the costs add up real quick and this is one thing you may not have to pay for.
Pro tip: if you go to your primary physician or OB/GYN or anyone else besides the RE, DO NOT tell them that you are getting labs for possible fertility treatments. Normally, I wouldn’t condone lying but this is one case where it will save you a lot of money and hassle. Just simply say that you want the labs for your own information, to get a baseline, whatever lie you have to make up, just DO NOT utter any word relating to fertility. The second those words go into your chart they will never leave, and your insurance company will use it as an excuse to not pay. Even if they say they cover baseline labs. I’m currently fighting with mine because I made this costly mistake and I likely won’t win and will have to pay probably $1000+ for the lab tests I have had done so far.
So, getting back to those tests, I saw my new OB/GYN in Mammoth in early October and was pleasantly surprised when not only was she stoked for me and my decision, she also knew a RE that her and her husband had worked with when they lived in Southern California, before coming to Mammoth. She happily ordered the labs for me and I went on my way. Those initial labs consisted of the following:
AMH: Anti-Mullerian hormone, secreted by the cells of the developing egg sacs (follicles) in the ovaries, and is generally considered a good indicator of a woman’s ovarian reserve (quantity of eggs left), but does not indicate anything about egg quality. AMH is also a good indicator of how well a woman’s eggs will respond to IVF. Normal ranges vary by age, but is generally 1.0-4.0ng/mL. (1)
FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone, regulates the reproductive processes in the body, it stimulates the growth of ovarian follicles, before the release of an egg from one of those follicles in the ovary, or ovulation.(2) Normal range for women who are still menstruating are 4.7 to 21.5 mIU/mL (4.5 to 21.5 IU/L), with high levels generally indicating poor ovarian reserve.(3)
Estradiol: a form of estrogen in the blood, secreted by the ovarian follicles, and determines the ovaries ability to produce eggs. It is also used to see if the FSH result was accurate or not, because estradiol suppresses FSH. If FSH is normal but estradiol is high, this could indicate estradiol artificially decreasing the FSH level. Both FSH and estradiol are checked on cycle day 2-4 of the menstrual cycle. Normal range for menstruating women is 15-350pg/mL, with a high level indicating poor ovarian reserve.(4)
The AMH was the one I was the most stressed about because I knew it would essentially tell me a lot about my own fertility status and how easy and/or hard a road it would be from there. Of course, AMH isn’t the end all be all of fertility tests and a “good” result does not guarantee any sort of outcome. There are so many variables to consider and it only shows a small part of the picture.
Late October in Mammoth, photo by: @honeybirdfilm
In the meantime, I got to work to find an RE. I narrowed my search to three clinics, the one recommended to me, and two local to my hometown, one that a friend went to for IVF and was successful (twice!), and that my ex-husband and I had already been to for a consult. The one that was recommended to me was farther away than I would prefer but did not have an initial consult fee, which is kind of unheard of in the fertility world, so I really liked that right off the bat. The other two had a fees of $300-400 just for a consult! I didn’t even bother with those (but kept them in mind for backup), and made an appointment with the recommended clinic.
On November 27, 2019, I traveled to Laguna Niguel, CA for my initial consult appointment. I met with the RE himself first, and he thoroughly explained what my options were, what he thought the best protocol for me was (which just happened to match exactly what my tentative plan in my head was), emailed me an explanation of the IVF process right then and there, and allowed me to ask as many questions as I wanted. I got a great vibe right from the start, especially when he told me that his own children were conceived through IVF!
He was super happy with my AMH result, which I won’t share the exact number but I will say that it is very decent, if not good, for my age. My FSH and Estradiol were also “good” and in the normal range. We both agreed that egg collection with embryo freezing (IVF) was the first step, in order to have “younger” fertilized eggs available for the future, and then planned to move on to IUI after that. He told me that I would be on a “short protocol” due to my great lab results.
From there I was sent to talk to one of the nurses who is the Third Party Clinician Coordinator. What the heck is that?! She handles and works with the sperm donation side of things. So she gave me a list of sperm donation agencies that they usually work with, as well as went over their IVF calendar. I decided that late February was a good time to do the embryo freezing/IVF, and then start the IUIs in April. She then sent me to the Billing Manager to discuss the financial aspect.
The Billing Manager of course went over the overall costs, the payment schedule, loan companies that they work with, and gave me a list of more tests to get done before February in order to be able to move forward with the IVF.
One thing I also learned while I was there is that they have another office in Bakersfield, which is only four hours away from where I live, as opposed to five to six hours to Laguna Niguel, so I could do a lot of the tests and procedures from that office if I wanted.
I left with a smile on my face, knowing that this was the clinic for me and I have been nothing but happy with them so far. Next on my to-do list was to get some more lab tests done, so I quickly got to work again, but since this post is already long enough, I will save this story for the next one. Of course, as the fertility journey usually goes, this is where I hit my first bump in the road, but don’t worry you won’t have to wait too long to find out what it was. 😉
The Beginning of the Rest of My Life
Where do I start? I guess at the somewhat beginning, which would be from when I got married, and what lead to the end of the marriage two and half years later.
In a lot of ways, I was always ahead of my time and in other ways I was a late bloomer. Marriage was the latter for me. I didn't get married until I was 34 years old, which even for today I would consider later than most.
Now, let me just say here, I would've saved myself and others a lot of misery if we had never gotten married in the first place, because, looking back, we really shouldn't have. I think I will save that story for later though. For now, let's just focus on what made me decide to become a single mother by choice.
Getting such a late start at marriage meant we had to start trying to have kids pretty much right away. I stopped taking my birth control pill about two months before the wedding and we hit the ground running right away.
I never thought we would have a problem getting pregnant, I even thought we might have a honeymoon baby. Wishful thinking, right? But being the science nerd, research-aholic, always prepared, detail-oriented person that I am, I starting researching trying to conceive for older women right away and knew that we were at a slight disadvantage due to my age and didn't have much time to waste.
When we weren't pregnant within the first three months, I knew it was time to start testing. We started with the basics, progesterone level and basic blood tests for me, evaluating and tracking my cycle, which was normal, and I started tracking my ovulation, which wasn't too tricky, and everything seemed to be normal with me. To be honest, I was a little worried about my side of the picture because on top of some autoimmune issues (asthma, eczema, allergies, etc.), I also had a history of not having my period for about nine months in high school, but that was a long time ago and overall I consider myself in very good health.
My husband, on the other hand was a different story. Besides having a completely opposite upbringing then I did, he was also not in the best health, even at a young 32 years old. He was a smoker that had no desire to quit (despite what he said), had been having gastrointestinal issues that turned out to be ulcerative colitis, had various injuries over the years that didn't heal right and that he was constantly battling with, you name it, he had it, and I'm still not convinced that he was even telling the truth about half of it.
Regardless if any of his ailments were true or not, I was not the least bit surprised when his test came back with a not so good result. He had low sperm count, low motility (how fast they move) and decent morphology (the shape). To say he was devastated is an understatement.
I immediately got to work on finding the right supplements, making all the needed doctor's appointments to try to fix his various ailments, making all the necessary dietary changes for him, and encouraging him to quit smoking. To me, this was an easily fixable situation, but to him it was practically the end of the world and he went into a deep depression.
As we worked through all of this, we also had to deal with some things that would put stress on any new marriage. We had to live out of boxes while the house that my parents bought for us to live in was being demoed and remodeled, starting out in a tiny studio behind the garage and then moving into the house about a year later. We really never even got to fully unpack. In April 2017, as he was skateboarding home from work, he (supposedly) was hit by a car, a hit-and-run, as he was crossing the street, breaking his collarbone, which caused him to not be able to work. He went on disability, severely hurting our budget, and after six weeks, ended up needing surgery after it didn’t heal correctly. Right after that his dad and stepmom moved from Florida with their two dogs and cat into the studio. His mother was having health issues. I lost hours at my job unexpectedly, lost our health insurance, and we had to go on an even tighter budget than we were on previously.
We fought about money and life goals constantly. The biggest problem (aside from the fact that he was lying to me the entire time, but again, saving that for later), was that he simply had no goals. Like zero life goals. How did I end up with someone that had absolutely no goals??!
Literally, the complete opposite of myself. So, I was left to do all the work for both of us.
Of course, I'm glad that I took the time to learn all about infertility in this time, because it has its benefits now, but I also wish that I had saved myself three years of unhappiness.
Fast forward to May 2018, Cinco de Mayo weekend to be exact, about two years after we first started trying. We had recently re-tested his sperm and found out that it was finally up to normal numbers and motility. I had a nutrition conference in Pomona that weekend that I was also going to be ovulating, so I made him come with me. They say that a lot of couples take a baby-cation to get away and relax and that can help with reducing stress and conceiving, so I had my fingers crossed.
Well, it worked!! I saw those two pink lines about 12 days later, and I was pregnant!!
We were ecstatic. We started planning and buying things right away. We didn't go crazy but we found a nice stroller on sale as Babies-R-Us was going out of business, we found some baby room stuff at Good Will, and we started a white board with baby names for boys and girls, both agreeing on not finding out the sex ahead of time. We told our family and closest friends and even some co-workers. He told just about everyone he knew.
And then everything fell apart. We had our first appointment at about 7 weeks, which was earlier than they usually do an ultrasound, but we managed to get in. They could see the fetal pole, but they couldn't find a heartbeat. It wasn't bad news quite yet, it could've just been too early, so we had to wait about a week to get another ultrasound. When the ultrasound tech didn't say anything to us, I knew it was not good news but I didn't break down until the doctor actually said it. It looked like the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and was not viable. I had a missed miscarriage.
Even typing the words now, I still get emotional. Pro tip: don't write about life-altering devastating memories while stuck in the middle seat on a five-hour flight. Lesson learned.
Since my body had not caught up and registered the miscarriage yet, we had a few options of how to proceed. I could have a D&C, which stands for dilation & curettage, the procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus. I could take the pills to induce miscarriage and it could be done on my time within one to two days; these are the same pills they give you for an abortion. Lastly, I could wait for my body to do it naturally, but that could take an unknown amount of time and you run the risk of incomplete expulsion, in which case you have to have a D&C anyway.
Being the hippy that I am I decided to let my body do what it needed to do, which didn't happen until two weeks later and I spent my Fourth of July of 2018 sitting on the couch in the garage, in pain, not the worst pain I've ever felt but also not the way I want to remember that holiday for the rest of my life.
And that was pretty much the catalyst for the end of my marriage. My husband went into another deep depression, stopped sleeping in our bed, pretty much stopped sleeping at night all together, and was not there for me when I needed him the most. The miscarriage hit him harder than it did me, not to say I wasn't sad and devastated, I was. But I am just not one to wallow in my sorrows. I take the time I need to be sad and then I move on and pick myself up by my bootstraps and continue to pursue my goals in whatever way I need to.
Again, he was the opposite and this time it was the excuse he needed to go off the deep end. He started drinking again, about a month before what would've been his six-year sober birthday. He delved deeper into the drugs that I had somewhat of an idea that he was already doing but had no idea how bad it really was. And he just started making terrible life decisions. Like staying up all night then driving to Vegas at the crack of dawn, with no driver's license, in his friend’s car, falling asleep at the wheel, rolling the car and almost killing them both in the middle of the desert. This is just one example of many of what I was put through. It was one thing after another, he was constantly getting in trouble somehow and I was always the voice of reason, the bailer-outer and the payer of all the fines.
Needless to say, I didn't stick around for much longer. When it got to the point where it was an almost daily occurrence, I found a lawyer and filed for divorce on November 1st, 2018.
He moved out within the week, but not without drama. Including, a call to the cops, a stay in jail for a night (for him of course), a restraining order, and me having to stay at my parent's house and buy two cartridges of mace, one for my purse and a smaller key-chain one, both of which I still carry with me to this day.
All things considered, it was a quick and easy divorce because we had little to no assets and he didn't have the energy or money to fight anything he thought he may be entitled to. We split everything amicably and the case went to default. Our divorce was finalized on July 31st, 2019, only about 7 months after filing.
In that time, I got a new job, moved back to my happy place in the mountains in April 2019 and proceeded to move on with my life. It really didn't take long to start thinking about starting a family on my own. Naturally, I got custody of our dog Ruby that we had adopted in October, and we were thriving together, despite the fact that I had never had a dog of my own and was not prepared to be a single dog mom, but I made it work.
I've always wanted to be a mother and always pictured myself as a mother, and it's what I had been working towards for the last three years, so why not? Due to my age, 37 by that time, it was now or never. I quickly found the community of single mothers by choice and knew right away that it was the right thing for me, a fiercely independent female that has no time or patience for man-children that can't get their shit together.
So that brings us to present day. I've met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and have a plan to move forward with IVF to freeze embryos first, for use later down the road if/when I decide to have more than one child, and then when I'm ready we will start trying to get pregnant with IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination). Right now, the plan is to do my egg collection and IVF in April and then start IUIs soon after.
True to life's nature, there have already been some roadblocks, but I will leave that for the next update. I know that this can be confusing and a lot of new information for those that are unfamiliar with this world. Feel free to ask questions about this process and I will do my best to address them in subsequent blog posts. This is why I feel compelled to write this blog, not only do I want to be 100% honest about what it’s like to take this journey, I also want more people to be as informed as possible about infertility and the struggles that women and couples go through.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading, I'm grateful you are here, and I can't wait to share my whole journey with you.