Life Update and Change of Mind
Well, I know I said the last blog post on this site would be the last, but I changed my mind! Isn’t it great that I can do that?! Confusing maybe, but this blog is mine and I can do whatever I want with it, so it stays.
I recently have been putting a lot of thought into the combination of my business and personal life, and at the end of the day, while I do share a lot of my personal life on my business social media accounts, my goal for this blog is to be more of a personal diary, and that just doesn’t fit on a professional website. Not to mention the work (that I don’t want to do, nor do I want to pay someone to do) to update my business website appropriately.
So, along with that little amendment I also thought it was time to update everyone on where I currently am in my fertility journey.
In November I wrote about how I had many options in front of me but my ultimate goal or wish was to do another round of egg retrieval and IVF, if you forgot, you can read it here, but I’ll give a quick update.
As it stands right now, I have two normal and three abnormal embryos in storage at two different clinics. I also have 5 vials of sperm, all from the same donor, at four different locations. So, I have a lot of different options! Almost too many, maybe that’s one reason why it’s so hard for me to make a damn decision right now.
Quick recap of options, in order of increasing cost:
IUI (intrauterine insemination) in California: $2-3k, least invasive, lowest cost of meds and testing, 1-2 hours of travel, low probability of success, high chance of failure and/or miscarriage, could theoretically do up to four rounds with the sperm I already have.
Transfer of 1 normal embryo in California: $3-4k, higher cost of meds, 1-2 hours of travel for testing, ~60% chance of success.
Transfer of embryos (4 total, would only transfer one at a time) at CNY in New York: first one free + cost of meds, travel, and local testing, subsequent transfers ~$4k + cost of travel, meds and local testing; normal embryo ~60% chance of success, abnormal embryos chance of success ~5-20% with high chance of miscarriage.
Egg retrieval and IVF: to bank more embryos, ~$10k total with cost of egg retrieval, IVF, meds and travel.
Personally, I think I get the most bang for my buck with another round of IVF to bank more embryos but the financial factor is really kicking my ass. The way I see it, I only have 1-2 more years to bank embryos but I have 1-5, maybe more years to get pregnant. I’m not scared of getting and/or staying pregnant. I am terrified of my eggs deteriorating as we speak.
The struggle is real. As of right now I’m only working part-time so my money situation is not the best. I was hoping for a good tax refund but I had to pay instead. That wiped out my savings that I was hoping would completely cover the cost of egg retrieval/IVF. So I’m back to square one, plus the stress of more debt than I would like, and not making the money I need to be.
I’m also just not ready to try to get pregnant yet. The fun of dating (and let me tell you, it’s been really fun lately), the fun of being single with no kids, the freedom to do what I want, when I want, I’ve been having a blast lately.
I was able to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans for my 40th birthday, a bucket list item. I just got back from Stagecoach, and getting to experience RV camping with friends was so much fun. Being able to do things like that makes me fearful of getting pregnant and losing a bit of that freedom. I do want to be the mom that travels with her babies, but that takes a lot of work, planning, and money as well.
Speaking of money, again, with the economy the way it is, I can’t afford to get pregnant right now. I know, I know, if I can’t do it right now, I’ll never be able to do it, blah blah blah, but for real you guys this economy is insane and I need to be working full-time.
I’m in a constant struggle between YOLO and “holy shit I need to get back on my strict budget if I have any hope of saving up for IVF.” My days of fun are dwindling down quickly as I realize I need to get back on the budget plan and baby steps.
Plus, that fear I mentioned in earlier blogs, about not having enough embryos to create the family I want, the debilitating fear that consumes me at times, is still there, and won’t go away, as much as I try to work through it.
It’s interesting to note however, that my stress level is probably the lowest it’s been in a long time. I fucking hate the cliché “living my best life” but to be real, I kind of am in a way, and I think it shows in my labs. On a daily basis my stress level is relatively low, especially compared to the past two years of my life. I feel settled in my living situation, and I’m not moving again for a very long time. I feel content in my relationships, including friends, family and dating. My daily/weekly/monthly life is fulfilling and pretty fun. Besides the money woes, I really have nothing to complain about.
In hopes of another egg retrieval happening, I got my labs done recently. While my AMH went down (bummer but probably just due to age), all of my other labs improved. FSH was normal, whereas in the past it was slightly high and I had to take wheatgrass to get it down. My TSH was also normal by fertility standards. I do take a thyroid support supplement, but in the past I have had to try to manage my sleep and stress to try to get it down naturally. Vitamin D and all my other labs were normal, most even at an optimal level. Hopefully, my diet, supplement plan, and relatively low-stress lifestyle have worked to improve my egg quality, fingers crossed anyways!
It’s just interesting to me how when I wasn’t trying or focusing on my fertility, i.e. my stress was at the lowest, my labs are at their best. Which of course makes me want to try another retrieval ASAP! And round and round we go.
So, where do I go from here?
Honestly, I still have no idea. For the time being, I’m sitting with the options and continuing to weigh them over. I will continue to try to get clients in the door for my private practice, doing my best to use the two days a week I have to work on making that happen. That means putting in the work and trying to not get distracted by social media and boys. I’m not kidding, the boy-crazy FOMO-ist in me is easily distracted. Working on it, but I am who I am.
I’ll also continue looking for other job opportunities, as depressing as the lack of opportunities is right now. Just crossing my fingers that something comes up.
As always, continuing to try to put good karma out into the world and knowing that it will work out, because it always does. Being grateful for what I have, grateful for the amazing people in my life, and grateful for the opportunities I currently have, and those yet to come.
** Edited to add: I wrote this in early-mid May, and this last Wednesday, May 25th, I accepted a job offer and have a new consulting job, one day a week in Camarillo, CA. Pretty much exactly what I needed, so now I can take a bit of the load off my shoulders and breathe a little easier. Cheers to good karma, paying off debt and starting to save for the next round of IVF!