The Fork In The Road

Does anyone else just shut down and ignore everything but the basics of surviving when faced with a huge decision? Just me? That’s basically what I’ve been doing for the past 7 months. Okay, I was doing a little more than just the basics, but still, I was definitely trying to ignore the huge decision I’m faced with. Or rather, I decided to put it on the back burner and hope that time would make the decision for me. Well, it hasn’t. And honestly, I’m still not ready to decide.

I’m currently really enjoying being childless and able to do what I want, when I want. I’m enjoying being single, being able to go on vacation by myself, and dating and playing the field. At the same time though, I also have that nagging feeling that time is running out, and I need to do something sooner rather than later.

Please no comments on how “young” I am. I’m really not. Young at heart doesn’t count in the fertility world, as much as I wish it did. I may physically feel like I’m 28 but in reality I’m pushing 40 fast. My aging eggs don’t care how old I feel.

I decided after the results of my last round (which I’ll get to, don’t worry), that I needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do next. More than that I also needed to catch up financially, and that would take just about the time I needed, so it was a win-win.

So, let’s go back to where we left off. I know I’ve kept my readers and followers in the dark and I hate that. Just know that it’s what I had to do for me. Those closest to me and those that have asked already know, because I’m really an open book, but I promised to share publicly all of this journey I’m on and I haven’t done that for the last seven months.

On May 20th I posted that we collected 14 eggs, 13 of which were mature and that 10 fertilized. This was great news, better than my first egg retrieval and IVF, so I had high hopes that I would get more embryos this time around. And because I didn’t say anything after that, you’re probably thinking that things must’ve gone really bad and I was too devastated to share what happened after that. But no, that’s not what happened.

What happened? I got the same exact results as the first round. Literally, the same exact results. Four embryos made it to day 5 and after genetic testing, one was PGT-A “normal.”

I honestly didn’t really know how to react and I think that’s why I never posted about it. Also, life and work, mostly work, got a little crazy in the meantime and I just didn’t have time to even think of anything else. I took a break from my private practice and haven’t done any work in that space for months now. Just to give you an idea of how overwhelming life was for the last three months. I’m just now getting around to even thinking about anything else besides my paying full-time (as of October back to part-time) job.

Was I happy with these results? Sure, I mean, it definitely doesn’t suck. It’s right around the average for my age group. I now have two normal embryos to work with, as well as some abnormals. Was I disappointed? Also yes. Why didn’t it go better? I did everything I was supposed to. It looked like it was going to go so much better. I’m way too much of a perfectionist control freak that tends to get what I want, so I’m sure this is Mother Nature’s way of reminding me that's not how life works. Thanks mama.

I know I should be grateful for what I’ve got. And I am. I count my blessings everyday. Literally, in my gratitude journal every (well almost every) morning. I know that a lot of women have it much worse. Trust me, I know how annoying I must sound and I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress.

I’m also filled with this fear that it’s not enough. I have this heavy pulsating fear and anxiety that is leading all my thoughts and decisions, that it’s still not enough to make me a mother. Maybe because I’ve seen so many women go through the agony of one failed transfer after another, maybe because I know the statistics, or maybe it’s just irrational. Regardless of the reason, it’s there and I can’t shake it.

So now, I’ve got options. The way I see it, I’ve got multiple ways this could go next. Of course, each has their pros and cons.

I turn 40 in February, my personal deadline for my next step is March.

Ideally, I would love to do one last round of egg retrieval and IVF to bank some more embryos, but there is the financial factor there.

I have one vial of sperm in Laguna Niguel stored at my first clinic. I cannot afford IVF there so that has to be used for an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Drawback is no genetic testing, so the chances of failure to implant and/or miscarriage is high. IUI at my age has a success rate as low as 5%, maybe 10-15% at the most given my health. Pro is the lower cost of only a couple thousand a pop.

I have one vial of sperm paid for and in storage at the cryobank. As well as two vials at a clinic in Utah that I recently purchased from someone else, from my same donor. I found out that he has no more vials available at the cryobank so I swiped them up before they were to be destroyed. Those can be sent anywhere I want so I need to decide between here in California where travel is more convenient but cost is higher or New York where cost is lower but travel is the big factor.

In a perfect world, I would do another round of egg retrieval and IVF in January or March, then start trying to get pregnant via transfer of one or two abnormal embryos to start with, just to see if they have a chance to self correct, or via IUI, both of which have high risk of failure to implant and/or miscarriage, which can be emotionally taxing and time-consuming to recover from.

If those are not successful then I could transfer my normal embryos. I’m very much inclined to save this as my last option given my ginormous fear that I won’t have any embryos left for a second and/or third child. Selfish? Maybe. But I’m okay with that and not ready to give up on the dream just yet. Again, I’m working on it.

Side note, I unfortunately found out that I signed papers at my first clinic to have my abnormal embryos destroyed. Either I didn’t understand what I was signing or I didn’t know enough about abnormal embryos at the time, the latter of which I think was the case, as I’ve since learned a lot that I wish I had known then. That means my total count of embryos from both rounds is two normal and three abnormal, not the six abnormal that I thought I would have to work with.

Again, one reason to do another retrieval. Just have to figure out the financials.

Lastly, on that note, I did make one decision regarding my business as The SMC Dietitian and my personal blogging journey Embracing Choice Motherhood. Back in August, right before my work-life balance went to shit ironically, I decided that my bandwidth is just not big enough to handle the two as separate entities anymore. My brain shuts down when I think about all the things that need to be done for both, on top of my paying job and personal life. Hence, the break from it all.

I am going to combine the two and update on my journey under The SMC Dietitian and my personal social media handles only. I have made my personal Instagram public for this reason.

My private practice business (The SMC Dietitian), is my passion that I would love to be full time at some point, and it needs to be the focus in order to reach my goals of motherhood and life. I know that I risk losing a lot of followers and fellow SMC within the IG and FB community, and I understand why, but it’s what I need to do for me and my mental health.

This will be the last blog post on this website and I will no longer post updates on my Instagram and Facebook under Embracing Choice Motherhood (ECM) from here on out. I will keep my ECM handles and website open for a while in order to redirect to the updated channels.

Feel free to follow along with me at either my personal handle, which I’ll link on the ECM Instagram, or over at The SMC Dietitian. This blogging and social media experience has been exactly what I wanted it to be, cathartic, therapeutic, educating, helping to create community, all the things, but also hard work that can be exhausting! And perfect practice for what I want for my business ventures.

I want to send out all my love for those that have continued to follow along and send your support, it means more to me than I can express. If you’ve made it this far, all my thanks for tagging along on my journey to motherhood so far. Signing out of Embracing Choice Motherhood online, but not in my heart. To be continued over at The SMC Dietitian...