Trying to Have a Baby During a Global Pandemic

My #1 priority for this weekend was to pick a sperm donor. I have been perusing profiles for months and didn’t think that when it came down to it that it would be that difficult. I just assumed one would stand out among the rest and that would be that, a winner among a sea of dudes that went through an extensive vetting process in order to give of themselves like others could never even think of. I mean, on paper these guys are all winners...degrees, good jobs, and I’m pretty sure I can assume they all have their driver’s licenses and don’t live with their mothers. Like, for real, I want to date these guys!

Oh wait, this isn’t a dating site, though it feels like it is as I scroll through the pictures, essays, and staff descriptions. Although, online dating is something with which I also have little to no experience. For a minute in college I was on a few, mostly free dating sites, of which only one date resulted. Not that it was bad, it was fine, we never went out again though, and the whole online dating thing just wasn’t for me, and didn’t last long.

Is it so much to ask for things to just happen organically? Then again, I also don’t have the best history for when it did happen that way. I apparently don’t have the best picker (as Dr. Drew would say). Which is how I got here in the first place, and I guess it’s not surprising that I am having the hardest time even narrowing down my searches given that I don’t trust my own ability to choose quality members of the opposite sex. There are just so many parameters to think about, but add on top of that the fact that the world is not the same place it was a month ago.

Every day that goes by I go through so many different emotions, ranging in severity, it might only be a fleeting moment or it might consume me for hours, leaving me barely able to focus on work. So, I thought that I would give you a closer look into what it’s like to try to have a baby during a global pandemic and just how my brain works during a time like this.

The one that consumes me the most is of course FEAR. I’m scared shitless of getting sick and having to be put on a ventilator (for people with asthma, this is a very real fear), so because of that I haven’t been outside of work and home for more than two weeks, except for one trip to the post office. I’m determined to live off the food that I have until I absolutely cannot survive any longer, and even then there’s still contactless delivery. Even at work, I mostly stay in my office, and might start closing the door this week, because I know that not all of my co-workers are being as diligent as I am, which scares the ever-living shit out of me.

Even if I don’t get sick, I’m also scared of even being exposed to a positive CoVID-19 patient, because, depending on the amount of exposure, I may have to cancel my cycle. So, that leaves me scared to actually try to go through with all of this. Will it be for nothing? Will I be in the middle of the 10 days of giving myself painful injections of ridiculously expensive medications and then have to cancel? What if that shit ton of money I got a loan for ($15,000 due to the clinic in 5 days) all goes to waste? When will I even be able to afford to do this again?

Then of course there’s the fear that I may actually make it through unscathed and then I have to go through the stress of wondering how my body is going to respond to the meds, and if I will get any healthy embryos to freeze. If I do get some, then holy shit, I will have to do a transfer at some point in the next few years, and who knows how many it will take to get pregnant, will I even get enough embryos, or I will be like the majority of women who have to go through several IVF cycles just to get one viable pregnancy?

Let’s just say for argument's sake, like this is a perfect world, that I don’t get sick, or exposed, and I make it through the whole IVF cycle and get 4 or more healthy embryos (that’s my magic number for myself), then what? Do I start trying to get pregnant right away like I had planned? Do I put it off until all this craziness is over? Do I have time to put it off? Do I try on my own with a couple home inseminations instead of risking going to the clinic?

Keep in mind, every month I “try” to get pregnant via insemination, whether it be at home or at the clinic, it’s at the least $1000 for the sperm + maybe a few hundred for the needed supplies, and at the most it’s a few thousand for sperm + meds + ultrasounds, etc. In other words, it’s not something you do just willy nilly.

Don’t even get me started about the fear of actually being a mother all on my own, I think I’ll save that for later, but yes this is a fear that goes through my head on an almost daily basis, as I’m sure it does for most women and men that know they are going to be a parent at some point in the near future. This is a very overwhelming fear in itself.

Thankfully, I don’t spend my days overwhelmed by all of this fear, I do also have moments of gratefulness, happiness and hope, mixed with some guilt for good measure. Only because I would like to end on a happy note, I’ll explain the guilt first.

While I’m happy to still have a job and be able to afford all of this, it also leaves me with overwhelming guilt. So many single-mothers-by-choice-to-be and couples going through infertility treatments have not only had their cycles cancelled and their clinics closed, they have also lost their jobs and any chance of trying for the foreseeable future. So I feel guilty.

Guilty that I’m still “young enough” that I’m not quite at the end of the road yet. Guilty that I still have a well-paying job that I can both go to physically and also be able to work from home. A job that, unless I screw it up somehow, that I will have for years to come until I choose to leave, and is and will always be considered “essential” during the worst of times. Guilty that my particular clinic has chosen to not close down completely. How did I get so lucky and why do I deserve to get to do this over any other woman or couple? I don’t, it’s mostly luck, pure luck, mixed with some privilege that I fully acknowledge.

Guilty that I’m even attempting to have a baby, while people are dying.

Which brings me to the grateful, happy and hopeful feelings. I’m grateful for everything that I do have and everything I’ve had the privilege to work for and get. Of course, I was grateful for these things before this pandemic, but it really does put things into perspective, what we have and how much we take for granted everyday. I’m grateful to have my amazing supportive family, and to be able to live in my happy place in the beautiful currently snow-covered mountains, surrounded by mother nature’s beauty everyday. To have a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, utilities that will continue to be paid for, not having to worry about paying my bills, and not living paycheck to paycheck anymore. Not everyone has these luxuries.

I’m happy that I’m not alone in a time like this. Yes, I live alone and it is getting a little boring and tedious trying to find things to do to distract myself from all the aforementioned things running through my anal-retentive OCD brain, but truly I’m not alone. I have friends and family I can talk to, and a puppy that keeps me just the right amount of occupied and busy, seriously, so thankful I have Ruby. I can still go to work and see and talk to my coworkers five days a week, so I’m not going quite as stir crazy as everyone else.

I’m happy that this is forcing all of us to slow down our pace of life, re-teaching all of us how nice it is to spend time with ourselves, and our families. How nice it is to sit and read a book, or watch your kids play outside. Just finding things to do that don’t involve technology, I like that.

I have hope too. Hope that we will eventually get through this and come out the other end with a renewed appreciation for life. Hope that people will take the warnings seriously and stay the fuck home, and that if they do, I will actually make it through the next 20 days and be able to do my egg retrieval.

And, lastly, hope that I will actually get through these damn sperm donor profiles, choose wisely, and pick the winner that gets to try to fertilize my eggs and eventually make a baby.